How exhaustion and stress affect autistic "symptoms"

Having had a bit of a manic week (with another one to come), I have been forced to observe the effects of being overtired both physically and mentally on how my autism presents.

I have often noticed, and it is hardly surprising that in case, life isn't already hard enough when circumstances are difficult, our brains and bodies seem to think it's a great idea to join the party and make it even harder.

This is clearly not just an issue for autistic people as it is natural to find our coping resources depleted when we do not have time or energy to engage in those things that normally keep us well in body and mind. We all notice that it is harder to maintain an even keel emotionally, to make good decisions, to look after ourselves and others when we are tired or stretched, but I wanted to talk about the specific effects it has on my autistic traits, in case that is new or of interest for anyone.

So without further ado - differences I have noticed this week:

Sound sensitivity
Being around a lot of noisy people, or a particular sound that normally I can cope with I have found overwhelming this week. When this happens I can't see a solution/escape and feel trapped which makes me even more panicky and overwhelmed. Being aware of this helps as I can sometimes rationalise and stop to look for a solution. Otherwise, sometimes one is provided by somebody who has picked up on my situation (a lovely person did that once this week!).

Lack of social filtering
I become more abrupt and less filtered in what I say. I forget to be socially acceptable and just say things as I see them. This can result in people seeing me as rude (understandably, as I probably am being rude!), weird or snappy, which is sad for me.

Tactile sensitivity
Labels in clothes that I normally don't mind begin to bother me! I also seek more regulatory tactile sensations such as my blanket, BFRBs (body-focused repetitive behaviours) etc.

Increased intolerance for change/error
Fairly self-explanatory. Change, the unexpected and people doing things "wrong". If I can buy some extra processing time this can sometimes be managed, otherwise the upheaval of trying to readjust my brain to accommodate the anomaly can lead to overload or use of negative coping mechanisms.

Increased intolerance for failure
Any perceived error on my part can also easily become overwhelming. The thoughts can easily lead to overload or use of negative coping mechanisms, feeding into my mental health disorder and trying to bring me back into destructive cycles of thought and behaviour if I can't engage in some CFT (compassion-focused therapy) techniques or counter the thoughts with something believable but less unkind.

Decrease in emotional regulation
Again quite obvious. It's much easier for me to become dysregulated by any little thing that may happen, and harder for me to bring myself back to functionality. I'm much more likely to have shutdowns or need extra time to use soothing methods and keep myself calm.

Decrease in ability to communicate
Even if I can cognitively rationalise what is happening, I am much less able to convey that to somebody else. It's like my brain shuts down that possibility so that even if I want to, I can't just tell somebody that I am having a problem and what that problem is. It's as if that is just too much, too big or important, or it would dissolve me or something. It's rather difficult to explain, actually.

Decreased capacity for being with people
People are just too exhausting! Because of the energy it takes to be with people, to think of things to say, to make sure they're acceptable things, to try and make sure I do all the right things in a conversation (answer questions with just the right amount of details, ask questions, but not the exact same ones, use the right level of formality of language, don't do anything stupid with your body, finish the interaction correctly, etc etc etc), when I am tired or my brain is full, I just don't have the capacity for much of this.

Bad sleep
It's very rare for me to sleep badly. I am the one who will sleep through anything, always struggles to wake up in the morning, steals all the duvet and kicks/generally bashes about Mr Peggy each night! But this week I was plagued by anxiety dreams, and a strange brand of them too, not just the usual ones but ones set into a nice life-like situation from a few years ago to make it particularly hard-hitting and the effects longer-lasting into the day (my usual anxiety dreams are about waves, tides or being late for things. Oh, and sometimes teeth falling out!). I also unaccountably woke up several times during the night and one morning even woke up at 5.30 wide awake. This is unheard of in the Peggy household (for me anyway!). And of course doesn't help the cycle of exhaustion.

Processing time
When the stress and exhaustion ramp up or last longer than a few days I also see a noticeable increase in processing time and brain speed. This can range from taking a long time to find words (just everyday ones like "handle" this week!) to taking things more literally than usual or not seeing the meaning of what somebody has said to me. Often it only clicks several hours after a conversation that I completely misunderstood what somebody was getting at! When it's really bad it even affects written communication if things are not spelled out completely explicitly.

There are probably other things as well, but just some quick thoughts, and an apology to all those who have suffered from my various deficits this week! It is frustrating when these kinds of problems come into play because I am normally relatively good at presenting a rough basic level of "socially acceptable" (and when I'm not it's usually for things that are "weird" rather than negative, like carrying a blanket with me or lying on the floor rather than being rude), so people are not used to making allowances for my social communication difficulties and just see rudeness/withdrawal/strange over-reactions. Hopefully the weekend will help, and by the time next week is over I can begin to get back to normality!

Instructions on how to hold a conversation

This was going to be the post on "what is reasonable in conversation and social interaction" but it has turned into a list of points that I must consider when making conversation. They're just off the top of my head so it's definitely not exhaustive, but certainly exhausting!

I often struggle with what is reasonable to say. I used to just say very little in group situations or with people I didn't know well, but I have got a bit better in the last few years: gained some confidence, realised people think it's weird if you don't talk, realised people may actually sometimes be interested in what I have to say. The trouble is, sometimes I can have real trouble knowing whether to say the thing that's in my head.

It should be relevant, but it is OK to slightly change topic to something related. Is my thing related enough?

Has the conversation moved on since I thought of what I was going to say. While I was waiting for a suitable entry point, is my thing still relevant?!

It should be interesting. There's no point taking the floor in a conversation if what you have to say isn't interesting.

There should be a point to it - a reason for saying it, and a potential route for the conversation to extend. Dead ends are very embarrassing.

Funny is good. People like funny, and people find sarcasm/being slightly rude about people you get on with/literal interpretations funny, but only to a certain extent. If they don't realise you're being sarcastic or joking they can think you're really mean, and literal interpretations can go completely over people's heads if they don't think literally.

Things don't always come out how you meant them, and what was meant to be a perfect interested question or a light witty comment can inadvertently cause great offence or embarrassment for either party or both.

I used to think the rule was never to talk over somebody, but actually I have observed it is quite a usual part of conversation. So it's sometimes normal to carry on what you're saying if you accidentally start talking at the same time as someone else, but how often? What if you both stop, and then debate about who should go on? Should you insist they do or should you go first? Is it related to how important your thing is?

You should say enough, but not too much. If you don't say enough, you are boring and weird and a nobody. If you say too much, you are boring and weird and annoying. But how on earth are you supposed to work out how much is enough and when it becomes too much?! What if you just can't think of anything to say?

What is the appropriate length of answer to give when people ask a question? Is a one-word answer enough? Is an anecdote too much? Am I supposed to return the question after I have answered it?

You should remember what people have previously told you and ask appropriate questions. Asking questions is a good way to keep conversations going, if you can think of some. I like to listen to other people, and other people like to talk about themselves, but sometimes they won't until you ask a question.

What is the appropriate response to a compliment? I used to always brush compliments aside as they make me uncomfortable but I have been told this is rude and negative. I think you're supposed to say "thank you" and perhaps make a related comment. Then I have a feeling it is usual to return the compliment. But not the exact same one, because that's weird. So find something else to compliment them on. Do you always have to return one or is it sometimes OK to just accept one?

How much should you look at the person you're talking to? Must give some eye contact. But not too much.

How long should you talk to somebody for? This depends on a whole gamut of variables!

How should you end the conversation? It's good to have some rehearsed exit lines up your sleeve to try and avoid awkwardness.

And I haven't even started on how (or whether) to enter the conversation in the first place!