Many Neurodivergent Returns of the Day!

I'm a bit cross about my birthday this year. I feel it has misfallen rather, at the end of a week where I've somewhat overdone it socially, and am dealing with some fairly hefty hammers to my mental health.

I often feel that there is a great expectation to enjoy one's birthday: a pressure to celebrate and be happy (hence "many happy returns!") and have a Special Day. I feel like if I don't have a lovely day I will be disappointing people, because they have expressed their wishes and hopes that I will have fun, or have a wonderful day etc, and I have not demonstrated this to be the case. I know this isn't what they intend - they are kindly expressing their hope that the day treats me well, and I do the same to others because I hope their birthday does treat them well. But somehow it makes me feel sad or guilty if I can't fulfil those wishes!

The points I want to make are twofold, I think.

One: "happiness" isn't everything, and neither can it be manufactured or conjured up on a whim. 

Please don't start CBT-ing me here or telling me how to create my own happiness. I know we can do things to shift our emotions but that isn't my point right now! What I'm trying to say is that why should emotions be in a heirarchy with happiness at the top? Are "good" emotions somehow more valuable than "bad" ones? Am I a better person if I'm always happy? 

Admittedly it is more pleasant to feel positive emotions, and for most people it is easier to be around somebody happy than somebody sad or angry (perhaps hence the general pressure to be happy, because then the other person doesn't feel obliged to feel bad that you're feeling bad/try and help you/invest time in being with you in your sadness where it is less pleasant). 

But that doesn't actually mean that it is objectively better to be happy all the time or at a specific time. I generally end up feeling better, calmer and more at peace if I acknowledge whichever emotion I happen to be feeling at a time and honour whatever message it is bringing me. I often experience problems if I ignore my emotions or mask them or pretend that I'm feeling something I'm not.

Two: happiness looks different and is brought by different things for everybody, especially neurodivergent people.

Here's a sky to gaze at from yesterday

Today I will likely not be displaying any heightened emotion. Firstly, autistic people tend to display their emotions differently from non-autistic people, but also I generally feel at my best when I am not experiencing any heightened level of emotion, positive or negative. Many people enjoy extreme happiness or excitement, but these create disturbance in my physical and neurological systems which is unsettling and "stressful" in a body-brain way rather than a cognitive way (if I am very happy or excited they are good things but still create strain on my systems and require recovery, rather than replenishing me). So top of my emotional heirarchy would probably be "calm" or "peaceful" or "content."

When I am feeling at my absolute best, it is not astounding to see, nor necessarily apparent to others, but I am enjoying a state of non-happening, non-stress, just being how I am in that moment. This is why I like time to enjoy something that brings me happiness: I gaze at the birthday candles until they have nearly burnt away, drinking in the moment of glow and stillness, or I linger by the glorious sunset or majestic waves for longer than typical, bathing in every sensory aspect of the calm and awe it inspires. Stillness and calmness are when I feel at my true "happiest."

Visiting my Geordie Peggy
and tea at THE BEST Thai
Restaurant. And yes, we're
both autistic so we always
have the same thing! A
wonderful day, but exhasuting.

Today I stayed at home and watched my church service on YouTube. I have done too much people this week and it has been getting more and more imperative by the hour that I do something to sort this out. The peopling I have done has been so enjoyable, but I went overboard (being sociable on two consecutive days), being out of practice at scheduling because of lockdown! My brain is also trying to deal with some nasty stuff mental health-wise and that takes huge chunks out of my coping resources and notches my mood down and "negative" emotions up.

So today I was church at home, and that was just right. We managed to move this afternoon's appointment to yesterday. Basically I have managed to cancel nearly everything I would have been doing today. Mr Peggy's work day got extended slightly. I am wearing joggers and fuzzy socks. I came downstairs to balloons and pressies but no people. I have been alone for five hours and will be for two more. I have finished my jigsaw puzzle and now I'm writing a blog post. Next I will clean out the guinea pigs because hopefully then it will be Sunday (not going to church has made a confusing rift in my routine!). 

This would be a disaster of a birthday for many people, but for me it has worked out perfectly. Last night I was frustrated and upset that I was feeling so completely rubbish and that it was going to be my birthday just at that time so I wouldn't enjoy it properly. But now, I am decompressing. I am feeling better. I am looking forward to Mr Peggy coming home and to spending the evening with him, opening my presents and cards and quietly watching some unemotional TV. I have had a morning of stillness and I am several notches calmer than I was: the space I made for myself means that in spite of the week behind me, I am enjoying my birthday. It might not be the birthday you would want and it might not look how you expect a birthday to look, but my happy is not made the same way as your happy; my stress is not made the same way as your stress, and my most enjoyable day is not made the same way as yours. 

So no need to feel sad for me or judge the way I choose to spend my special day (generally, I prefer same to special, or my special in small doses amongst plenty of same!) - this is the one day of the year that I can jolly well do what I like, and this is what I liked today!

Birthday Bunting Banner 😍