Instructions on how to hold a conversation

This was going to be the post on "what is reasonable in conversation and social interaction" but it has turned into a list of points that I must consider when making conversation. They're just off the top of my head so it's definitely not exhaustive, but certainly exhausting!

I often struggle with what is reasonable to say. I used to just say very little in group situations or with people I didn't know well, but I have got a bit better in the last few years: gained some confidence, realised people think it's weird if you don't talk, realised people may actually sometimes be interested in what I have to say. The trouble is, sometimes I can have real trouble knowing whether to say the thing that's in my head.

It should be relevant, but it is OK to slightly change topic to something related. Is my thing related enough?

Has the conversation moved on since I thought of what I was going to say. While I was waiting for a suitable entry point, is my thing still relevant?!

It should be interesting. There's no point taking the floor in a conversation if what you have to say isn't interesting.

There should be a point to it - a reason for saying it, and a potential route for the conversation to extend. Dead ends are very embarrassing.

Funny is good. People like funny, and people find sarcasm/being slightly rude about people you get on with/literal interpretations funny, but only to a certain extent. If they don't realise you're being sarcastic or joking they can think you're really mean, and literal interpretations can go completely over people's heads if they don't think literally.

Things don't always come out how you meant them, and what was meant to be a perfect interested question or a light witty comment can inadvertently cause great offence or embarrassment for either party or both.

I used to think the rule was never to talk over somebody, but actually I have observed it is quite a usual part of conversation. So it's sometimes normal to carry on what you're saying if you accidentally start talking at the same time as someone else, but how often? What if you both stop, and then debate about who should go on? Should you insist they do or should you go first? Is it related to how important your thing is?

You should say enough, but not too much. If you don't say enough, you are boring and weird and a nobody. If you say too much, you are boring and weird and annoying. But how on earth are you supposed to work out how much is enough and when it becomes too much?! What if you just can't think of anything to say?

What is the appropriate length of answer to give when people ask a question? Is a one-word answer enough? Is an anecdote too much? Am I supposed to return the question after I have answered it?

You should remember what people have previously told you and ask appropriate questions. Asking questions is a good way to keep conversations going, if you can think of some. I like to listen to other people, and other people like to talk about themselves, but sometimes they won't until you ask a question.

What is the appropriate response to a compliment? I used to always brush compliments aside as they make me uncomfortable but I have been told this is rude and negative. I think you're supposed to say "thank you" and perhaps make a related comment. Then I have a feeling it is usual to return the compliment. But not the exact same one, because that's weird. So find something else to compliment them on. Do you always have to return one or is it sometimes OK to just accept one?

How much should you look at the person you're talking to? Must give some eye contact. But not too much.

How long should you talk to somebody for? This depends on a whole gamut of variables!

How should you end the conversation? It's good to have some rehearsed exit lines up your sleeve to try and avoid awkwardness.

And I haven't even started on how (or whether) to enter the conversation in the first place!

Surprise Square Day - Communicating

I'm having a Square Day today and this is what it can be like.

Today I didn't even realise it was a Square Day. Maybe I'll call it Surprise Square Day. It's been a Square Week or two actually, but I had a quiet day yesterday and knew I had the empty house to myself all afternoon so was feeling quite round this morning.

Dragged myself out of bed (always a struggle. It's just so cosy!), even spoke to Mr Peggy before showering (never usually a good idea to speak to me before I'm properly awake!), got ready for church full of the joys of spring, or something like that.

The walk was lovely with Mr Peggy. The sun was actually shining. We chatted about this and that. Holding hands is always good: I like touch. I felt very slightly wrong inside (this is a feeling I can never explain, but was hardly noticeable this morning) but everything was good, there was nothing to worry about and I was looking forward to the day ahead.

But when we got there people started talking to me. I wanted them to go away. I was rather surprised: today is a good day. Why do I want them to go away?

Now normally all this stays inside and I do my best to pretend like a good person that I am just like everybody else, that I like talking to people and so on. But Mr Peggy is a very wonderful Mr Peggy and quite often says that he would like to understand more about how AS affects me and what it's like. Naturally, having AS, I find this quite difficult to do, though I would love him to know and understand everything, but I made the effort to share.

I said 'I don't like the people today.'
Mr P: What?
Mrs P: I don't like the people today.
Mr P: What do you mean?
Mrs P (thinking 'what is there to explain?!'): I don't like them.
Mr P: Who?
Mrs P: All the people (gesturing)
Mr P (slightly frustrated at his non-communicative wife!): I need a bit more than that...
Mrs P (finally managing to work out a little what she doesn't like about the people today): I don't want them to talk to me. I don't mind them being there but I don't want to talk to them.

It's quite entertaining reading it back, but it's the sort of frustrating scenario that AS throws at me and those close to me quite often. They are frustrated that I am seeming to be awkward by not explaining things or answering properly and I am frustrated because I can't understand what else there is to know. What they also may not realise is that although that still probably wasn't a very satisfactory answer it took a huge amount of effort and self control to be able to give it.

Not sure if it's because

• It takes me a while to figure out what I'm feeling myself.
• Even once I've figured it out I don't necessarily know how to explain it to someone else.
• I don't like explaining things when I'm feeling square. I want people to know but I hate telling them. Why can't they just be in my head?
• I don't know what they want to know - I forget they're not in my head so I don't know where to start.

Why are you asking me questions? Why do you want to know? Why don't you already know? Why do I have to tell you? I don't want to talk. Go away. (But really, I'm glad they don't go away. It's the ones that stick with it and help me make the effort that make things better for all of us. Thank you Mr Peggy :))

Sometimes I think it would help if talking didn't have to happen. When I'm feeling square it's harder to talk. I can't find a way to explain why at the moment but I'll try and think about it.