Unsurprising Surprise (will I ever learn?!)

I spent several days just doing nothing. By which I don't mean nothing, because that doesn't exist as an option any more, but doing the bare minimum of keeping myself and Baby Peggy fed, clean and safe. Not doing anything from my growing to do list or even able to contemplate doing any of those things. Mentally absent from life and feeling like I'd missed those days out. I can them non-days - days where I just exist.

Gradually I've started doing one or two things from the list each day because I know I have to and it helps keep the sense of overwhelm at bay. During the past couple of days when I've been doing that, I have noticed that my mood is not good. I'm not low on sleep but I feel as though I am. I am irritable, I feel low, little things bother me, sensory issues are worse, everything feels too much, I can't get my head around thinking about anything. 

Because I'm used to just carrying on and I don't get breaks any more I didn't anticipate the end of term being hugely different from term time, other than that the routine is different because I entertain a baby for 5-7 days instead of 2-4. But my body/brain seems to remember that end of term = crash time, so here we are. I just hope it gets back on board in time for me to be present and enjoy our holiday next week.

Note to self: assumptions are not useful, changes of routine are always unsettling, perhaps work takes more out of you than you realise. The interplay between mood/energy levels and life factors such as routine, change, stresses and stressor, hormones, social interactions and countless other factors is complex. I can look back in retrospect and think "I should have seen that coming", but I didn't, or not with this intensity for this long. What I can do now is notice, try and be kind to myself and allow recovery as much as possible, and learn for next time. 

365 Days

Did you know we had a heatwave at exactly this time last year too?!

Sorry, not an autism or mental health or sensory-focused post, just a lil reflective one.

I remember because I was in labour at this very moment. I remember being uncomfortably warm as I waited for my induction, but for the next 12-17 hours being more preoccupied with other things! And then being slightly worried our 9-hour-old baby would either melt or roast on the car journey home as our air conditioning wasn't working. He survived, and we survived the very sweaty days of closeness that followed.

And we all survived the following year, because here I am writing about it as the huge child snoozes blissfully unaware of any unusual significance of the occasion of his afternoon nap on 16th July. 

We more than survived. Our lives are so much richer for having Baby Peggy in them. We learn from him every day and laugh with him every day.

I am proud of us. There are parts I am not proud of - moments, patterns, aspects I could, would and should change. And there are many things I accept or am learning to accept that might not be ideal but are also not the end of the world. Telling the difference can be hard.

But my overarching awareness today is gratitude and wonder. To be here today with our lives as they are right now - a whole year of this boy - feels miraculous.

I am thankful for the joy he brings every day.

I am thankful for the snuggles.

I am thankful for the giggles.

I am thankful for the relationship he has with me and Mr Peggy.

I am thankful for his growing independence.

I am thankful that he is so settled and well cared for in his childcare setting and that he is developing his own friendships there and experiencing such a wide range of opportunities that he doesn't get at home.

I am thankful that he sleeps much better at night now.

I am thankful that he has such a loving extended family.

I am thankful for all of the friends, family and professionals who support us.

I am thankful for the time I get to spend with him watching him learn about the world and himself.

I am thankful for an infinite number of things! That's not to say it isn't incredibly hard at times. It absolutely is. There are days when I am unrecognisably far from the parent I would like to be and where I feel despairing that he has a parent like me. On those days it's upsetting that he trusts and loves me because he really shouldn't. But mostly I can see a balanced view - undoubtedly imperfect, but not wholly terrible. Sometimes we do just fine!

And I'm just thankful that I've had 365 days to try at it and 365 days of memories to treasure.

Happy First Birthday little one ❤️