Several different people commented to me about how I am a calm influence and a calm person, and relaxing to be with. This brought an inward chuckle as I happened to have been dealing with an increase in anxiety, disordered thoughts and feeling overwhelmed. I know the comments were based on longer-term relationships than just the last week, but it did make me think because at least one of them was about one day in particular, and a day when I was feeling anxiety and was doubtful of my ability to cope!
Now I must admit that all of these comments came from colleagues, and therefore in a place where I do tend to be performing and making an effort to be at my most functional and presentable. But bear in mind that these are all also people who have seen me at my worst, when anxiety is playing its game well, and they still see me over-all as a person who spreads calm.
I was really pleased to hear that this is one way that people experience me though. One thing we can never do is perceive ourselves as others do. We spend a lot of time thinking or worrying about what others think of us, and our flaws and shortcomings can seem like our main characteristics when we look through our own eyes or imagine what others see, but my discovery this week is that we really can never know.
This makes it especially important to reflect back to people the things that we appreciate about them. It was perspective-changing and warm to know that other people can genuinely get something positive from being with me, and that they're not just saying it because I asked or because they know I benefit from positive feedback: the context was each time not about me but about somebody else's needs that I could provide for. So let people know how they benefit you!
Aside from the warm fuzzies though, I was a bit bemused that calm is a characteristic that apparently exudes from me. I am often troubled by anxiety. It invades my dreams, I have to live by lists to try and keep the zooming thoughts tethered in some way, I really struggle in social situations or when I am out of my comfort zone or put on the spot.
I came to the conclusion that there are a couple of contributing factors to my apparently calm aura, most of which can be linked to my autism (entertainingly, as that is also the source of much of my anxiety!):
Processing time
Until recently, I never considered that I may have any processing issues because my language skills have always been fairly advanced. I am very grateful for this as it allows me to understand and take part in the world, but am finding now that it can mask delays in my understanding, interpretation or processing of situations. I find it very difficult to answer questions on the spot if they require more than a simple factual response (frequently my brain is working on such questions for hours or days afterwards, when I may be able to form an answer that actually reflects my true thoughts or feelings on a matter). Sometimes it is only once a conversation or situation has moved on that I realise what somebody actually meant if they were speaking figuratively.
The emotions of a situation do not tend to hit me as it happens (sometimes they don't hit at all, sometimes I don't recognise them and sometimes they hit at a random unrelated time and it takes me ages to figure out what they are about). I am learning to stop and think through when something emotive has happened in order to identify my emotions and allow myself to feel them. This probably sounds a bit strange and unnecessary (why bother feeling things, especially painful things, if they don't ask to be felt?) but it seems that even if I don't consciously feel them my emotions are still there in my body and brain, contributing to my general stress levels, but in an even worse way because they are unidentified and not dealt with so they don't disappear. Intentionally getting them out to examine them keeps the old Brian tidy and helps to reduce overload and destructive coping mechanisms.
After all that waffle, what this means in the "exuding calm" situation is that I may not have really processed what has happened/is happening and it is unlikely that I have felt any reactive emotions regarding it. I can therefore respond in a calm and functional manner, dealing with the facts, logistics and problem solving (providing I have the imagination to see the solution, which is another matter entirely...).
Source of anxiety
Although I deal with plenty of anxiety, the sources that tend to trigger this for me are likely different from those that trigger the majority of people. Other people's problems do not stress me out (I care about them, but don't tend to feel anxiety about them). Children spitting in my face or biting or scratching me doesn't stress me out. The things that cause me anxiety are thinking I have done something wrong or displeased somebody, any perceived failing on my part, injustice or people being treated badly, and sometimes changes to routines or expectation.
Of course other people share these sources of anxiety, but the things that don't cause me anxiety mean that in situations that many find highly emotive such as day-to-day experiences in my work, I can respond with less emotion and anxiety. I don't feel bound by the social "norms" that dictate that yawning is rude because it says you are bored (it is a natural bodily reflex...), farting in public somehow means you are revolting (again, a bodily reflex), or not looking into somebody's eyes means you aren't listening or don't respect them (or maybe you're just trying to concentrate on what they're saying...). If a child spits at me it is similar. I don't experience that personal offence that most people naturally feel (again, instinctively - they can think it through with the same logic as mine but for some reason my brain skips the emotive/anxiety response here) so I am straight on to "How uncomfortable must this child be feeling in order that they must respond like this. How can I make it better?"
It doesn't always work like this, and especially when I am tired or stressed there are things that provoke that reaction in me, but I find it really useful that often the reason I appear calm is because I genuinely am not bothered by what has happened.
Difference in expressive emotion
This one is pretty simple. With autism, people don't always express emotions in the same way as non-autistic people. So I might be anxious or stressed but not look like I am to somebody who doesn't know me well enough to know how that shows itself in me.
Obviously when it gets to shutdown stage it's generally pretty readable that something is not right, but with my anxiety, from what people say, if you don't know me well you may not know there's anything wrong until it's very very wrong (And until recently and still sometimes now, I also may not know! And am even less likely to be able to tell you.).
So I appear calm more often than I actually am calm, which probably helps with people feeling relaxed around me. We all feel more relaxed around someone who appears relaxed, right?!
Intentional masking
And in case not feeling emotive or anxious or not appearing to be even if I am feeling it doesn't account for my calmness entirely, we have to add the fact that I do still intentionally mask sometimes. This was how I was able to take part in the world with a largely convincing performance of "normality" for so many years before discovering I was autistic, so it is a natural thing for me to do at times. I do it to maintain my credibility in a professional context and also in social contexts. If I want to be treated like everybody else I have to act like everybody else and I am glad that I have the skills to have this choice available to me. There are people in whose company I mask much less, if at all, and there are environments in which I am largely putting on a performance in order to participate. Positive or negative, that's how it has always worked for me.
