Instructions on how to hold a conversation

This was going to be the post on "what is reasonable in conversation and social interaction" but it has turned into a list of points that I must consider when making conversation. They're just off the top of my head so it's definitely not exhaustive, but certainly exhausting!

I often struggle with what is reasonable to say. I used to just say very little in group situations or with people I didn't know well, but I have got a bit better in the last few years: gained some confidence, realised people think it's weird if you don't talk, realised people may actually sometimes be interested in what I have to say. The trouble is, sometimes I can have real trouble knowing whether to say the thing that's in my head.

It should be relevant, but it is OK to slightly change topic to something related. Is my thing related enough?

Has the conversation moved on since I thought of what I was going to say. While I was waiting for a suitable entry point, is my thing still relevant?!

It should be interesting. There's no point taking the floor in a conversation if what you have to say isn't interesting.

There should be a point to it - a reason for saying it, and a potential route for the conversation to extend. Dead ends are very embarrassing.

Funny is good. People like funny, and people find sarcasm/being slightly rude about people you get on with/literal interpretations funny, but only to a certain extent. If they don't realise you're being sarcastic or joking they can think you're really mean, and literal interpretations can go completely over people's heads if they don't think literally.

Things don't always come out how you meant them, and what was meant to be a perfect interested question or a light witty comment can inadvertently cause great offence or embarrassment for either party or both.

I used to think the rule was never to talk over somebody, but actually I have observed it is quite a usual part of conversation. So it's sometimes normal to carry on what you're saying if you accidentally start talking at the same time as someone else, but how often? What if you both stop, and then debate about who should go on? Should you insist they do or should you go first? Is it related to how important your thing is?

You should say enough, but not too much. If you don't say enough, you are boring and weird and a nobody. If you say too much, you are boring and weird and annoying. But how on earth are you supposed to work out how much is enough and when it becomes too much?! What if you just can't think of anything to say?

What is the appropriate length of answer to give when people ask a question? Is a one-word answer enough? Is an anecdote too much? Am I supposed to return the question after I have answered it?

You should remember what people have previously told you and ask appropriate questions. Asking questions is a good way to keep conversations going, if you can think of some. I like to listen to other people, and other people like to talk about themselves, but sometimes they won't until you ask a question.

What is the appropriate response to a compliment? I used to always brush compliments aside as they make me uncomfortable but I have been told this is rude and negative. I think you're supposed to say "thank you" and perhaps make a related comment. Then I have a feeling it is usual to return the compliment. But not the exact same one, because that's weird. So find something else to compliment them on. Do you always have to return one or is it sometimes OK to just accept one?

How much should you look at the person you're talking to? Must give some eye contact. But not too much.

How long should you talk to somebody for? This depends on a whole gamut of variables!

How should you end the conversation? It's good to have some rehearsed exit lines up your sleeve to try and avoid awkwardness.

And I haven't even started on how (or whether) to enter the conversation in the first place!

Memory

I often need a little rant about my memory, but it's the sort of rant you can't really have to real people without sounding like an idiot. I'm assuming real people don't read this but if they do, I hope that they will suspend judgment of me and try and understand what it's like to be like me.

I have a really good memory. I'm not trying to boast (I really hate boasting: other people doing it or me sounding like I am) but it's just a fact that I've gradually come to realise. For years and years I just assumed everyone's was as the same, and it drove me absolutely mad how illogical, inconsistent and plain contradictory people were, and even why they lied. I have come to the conclusion that although we are all some of those things some of the time, a lot of what I thought was that is actually that other people's brain simply don't remember things in the same way mine does.

I'm trying to use this newfound knowledge to stop myself getting so frustrated with people. I'm teaching myself to just answer the question when it's put to me for the 17th (or just second...) time by the same person. I remind myself that when people recall an event or conversation or scene with errors, it's not their fault, their brain just doesn't record conversations word for word.

In this respect it's also helping that my memory is no longer pretty much perfect. I forget things too, and so I can see how it happens to others. I don't know if it's just because I'm getting older (getting on for 30 soon... this could be a whole lot worse in years to come!) or because there are just more things to remember. But this is also hard for me to adjust to because I'm so used to my memory being reliable and being able to recall anything that's happened, that I find it difficult to deal with when I can't remember, or remember wrongly.

Despite the current intermittent failings of my poor old memory, it is still pretty good generally (read here "quite a lot better than most people's"). On first thoughts, who wouldn't want a fantastic memory? You don't lose stuff, you don't have to revise because you already learnt the stuff once in lessons, you don't have confusions because you know what happened in the past, etc etc. This is all very true, and it does make life easier and a lot more efficient in many ways. The trouble comes when you put other people in the equation.

The person with the good memory, if he or she doesn't try to hide it, looks like the annoying know-it-all. It's actually very uncomfortable often knowing that you're right. I find it very hard to let things go that aren't true (unsurprisingly, with the whole autism thing), so even when I stop myself correcting people they can often see it on my face. I don't want to be right, because it makes them feel bad, and it makes me feel bad because I think they think I somehow feel superior through being right. But I don't - I feel worse. It's not anything of my own virtue being able to remember, it's just the way my brain works.

Another, purely selfish reason for not liking having a better memory, is that it's annoying when other people forget! If people move my things, it's a big problem for me, because I know where I had put them, but now I have no idea where they are. I guess if people don't always remember they're used to having to look for stuff. So much time is wasted going over things we should know when we could be doing new things. I used to snooze through half of my AS Psychology lessons because they would go over the same things every lesson, which we'd already covered, so what was the point of listening? Or a current common one, in dancing lessons when working on a syllabus, if the teacher has checked the book and corrected a movement (for example an arm we have been putting in the wrong place), I will retain that correction for evermore, but others will do it right that lesson and then revert to the old way. For a couple of weeks it will look like I'm doing it wrong, until they check again and get corrected again, and I will think "that's what we've been doing all along!"

Over the past couple of years, as I've been more aware of myself and my strengths and weaknesses and how and why I respond to the world, I've developed some techniques to try and appear more normal and less obnoxious. Maybe some of these will be helpful to people, or maybe you think they are a terrible idea. Let me know!

Question and get someone else to find the answer you already know: In the above situation of the dance lesson, I have worked out I can ask "is the arm there in first or fifth?" without sounding like I think I know best. Phrases like "I'm sure we've discussed this but I can't remember whether it was... or... Can we check?" or "hold on, did/didn't we do it like this last week?" (but if they say no don't insist we did!)

Just pretend you don't remember: I don't like this method very much because it's not really truthful and as I mentioned, I really like the truth. But it can be a useful method of not sounding like a pedantic annoying autistic person. Using this method a few times can dilute the unnerving impression of someone that remembers everything to an annoying extent.

Pretend you're not sure: add a disclaimer/say your statement in a slightly questioning of British-ly apologetic manner, for example "I had the vague idea it was this but I'm not certain/don't quote me on that/I'm not sure where I got that from"

Just let it go: I think I need to learn that sometimes it doesn't actually matter. The fact or truth being known may not have any effect on the matter in hand and you may sound like an idiot if you insist on it. But it kind of goes against the grain even writing that, because if people aren't at least truthful and factual to the best of their knowledge, what can you trust and build on? So I think I'll have to work on that one.

Keep your mouth shut: this was the method I adopted until the age of at least 20. I never spoke up about anything. I just assumed that other people knew better, that my opinion or experience was irrelevant. The trouble with this method is that you can end up with a very negative view of yourself, and all the good gets hidden away with the bad so it doesn't benefit anybody else either.

I'm now trying to find a balance of re-finding my old silence, because sometimes it is wise to stay silent (but I need to get control of my face and body for that to work!), and being tactful in finding ways of getting facts into matters where they do need to be known. And of course I'm working on not getting as frustrated with others and myself forgetting, because it is a human thing that happens, not people's choice. We can't magically implant correct memories so we have to be patient with what there is, and everybody accepting they can be wrong is a step in the right direction.

I should mention, this is long term memory we are talking about here. My short term memory can be shocking. I have trouble keeping track of everything I need to do so I live by lists, and if somebody at work asks me what happened yesterday I might have to think really hard before answering!

As always, please feel free to ask questions or share your own experiences :)