Instructions on how to hold a conversation

This was going to be the post on "what is reasonable in conversation and social interaction" but it has turned into a list of points that I must consider when making conversation. They're just off the top of my head so it's definitely not exhaustive, but certainly exhausting!

I often struggle with what is reasonable to say. I used to just say very little in group situations or with people I didn't know well, but I have got a bit better in the last few years: gained some confidence, realised people think it's weird if you don't talk, realised people may actually sometimes be interested in what I have to say. The trouble is, sometimes I can have real trouble knowing whether to say the thing that's in my head.

It should be relevant, but it is OK to slightly change topic to something related. Is my thing related enough?

Has the conversation moved on since I thought of what I was going to say. While I was waiting for a suitable entry point, is my thing still relevant?!

It should be interesting. There's no point taking the floor in a conversation if what you have to say isn't interesting.

There should be a point to it - a reason for saying it, and a potential route for the conversation to extend. Dead ends are very embarrassing.

Funny is good. People like funny, and people find sarcasm/being slightly rude about people you get on with/literal interpretations funny, but only to a certain extent. If they don't realise you're being sarcastic or joking they can think you're really mean, and literal interpretations can go completely over people's heads if they don't think literally.

Things don't always come out how you meant them, and what was meant to be a perfect interested question or a light witty comment can inadvertently cause great offence or embarrassment for either party or both.

I used to think the rule was never to talk over somebody, but actually I have observed it is quite a usual part of conversation. So it's sometimes normal to carry on what you're saying if you accidentally start talking at the same time as someone else, but how often? What if you both stop, and then debate about who should go on? Should you insist they do or should you go first? Is it related to how important your thing is?

You should say enough, but not too much. If you don't say enough, you are boring and weird and a nobody. If you say too much, you are boring and weird and annoying. But how on earth are you supposed to work out how much is enough and when it becomes too much?! What if you just can't think of anything to say?

What is the appropriate length of answer to give when people ask a question? Is a one-word answer enough? Is an anecdote too much? Am I supposed to return the question after I have answered it?

You should remember what people have previously told you and ask appropriate questions. Asking questions is a good way to keep conversations going, if you can think of some. I like to listen to other people, and other people like to talk about themselves, but sometimes they won't until you ask a question.

What is the appropriate response to a compliment? I used to always brush compliments aside as they make me uncomfortable but I have been told this is rude and negative. I think you're supposed to say "thank you" and perhaps make a related comment. Then I have a feeling it is usual to return the compliment. But not the exact same one, because that's weird. So find something else to compliment them on. Do you always have to return one or is it sometimes OK to just accept one?

How much should you look at the person you're talking to? Must give some eye contact. But not too much.

How long should you talk to somebody for? This depends on a whole gamut of variables!

How should you end the conversation? It's good to have some rehearsed exit lines up your sleeve to try and avoid awkwardness.

And I haven't even started on how (or whether) to enter the conversation in the first place!

Awkward from the inside: what it's like being the person who looks awkward

Sometimes I think things are going pretty well and I'm managing OK, and I was just thinking over the last week or so how I was really pleased that although I am tired and busy I've not been feeling too 'autistic tired.'

Then along came today and reminded me that really I am autistic, and I'm just not like other people, and I can't do the things they do.

Two events during the day reminded me of this, the first coming straight away when I got to work. One of my colleagues has been going through an absolutely terrible time with some really sad and traumatic stuff to get through, and she started telling about it mostly to my other two colleagues (she knows them well, but doesn't really know me as I only started there a few months ago when the stuff started happening, so I don't feel I can really ask about it) while I was also standing nearby.

Well, I have so much empathy for her, I just want to be able to say or do things make make it better for her, or at least for her to know that is my intention. But I have no idea of the things to say or do. I don't know her well enough to go and give her a hug, and she hasn't told me personally about any of it, which I wouldn't if it were the other way round, but obviously she has talked about it when I'm there so I know about it. I didn't know whether I should go away and busy myself with another job so she could talk to them, or whether I should join them, I had no idea of anything that would be the right thing to say (luckily the other two had loads of great words) and couldn't give her a hug or anything.

I think this is how the whole empathy thing plays out in real life for me. I care so much, and I understand others' pain, but I am often incapacitated to do anything about it, unless I know the person very well. So it looks like I don't care, which is just the opposite of the truth. Or even worse, I could make it worse by being awkward, so I try not to do that, and not to give the impression of being uncomfortable, because that's the last thing someone in that situation needs.

I wish people could know I want to be with them in their sorrows and trials, their downs and ups, and I want to help. Maybe one day I'll learn how.


The second situation was a celebration for a colleague I barely know, with basically all the staff present. Painfully awkward from beginning to end. I stuck myself like glue to the two people I work with and copied them. Where do I walk? Where do I sit? Quick, bag a seat next to person I'm hiding behind. Shouldn't have my back to anybody, but have to here. Who should I have my back to? I can't just do nothing, must follow them to get cake or people with think it's weird if I don't eat anything. Accept a drink, any drink - it's too difficult to choose and you're weird if you don't have one. Just say anything's fine, or "surprise me" (not "whatever": that's rude even if it means the same thing). Listen to the conversation, focus, stop zoning out and examining your fingernails, don't rub your nails on your face, make appropriate noises and faces so people don't notice you haven't said anything. Safer not to say anything even if you wanted to: it might go wrong, people will look, it won't come out how you meant, people won't know why you even said it. It might stop the conversation. So just make the noises and faces. How soon can I leave? How do I get out? Who do I need to say goodbye to? What do I need to do with my glass and rubbish?

And go home. To an empty house: I need that right now.