Skillz and Tooolz

Skills I have used this week, in no particular order. Some of them are old faithfuls, some are new trials or discoveries, and some I have intentionally resurrected as the usefulness of going back to things that have helped in the past has been highlighted to me. Sadly a few are not currently available to me, like ballet, massage, and probably others. There are undoubtedly some I've missed, but a good few here to give you some ideas. If you want more information on any of them just give me a shout in the comments or by direct message.

Trying different intense "push" movements instead of destructive physical actions

Writing (CBT and blogging and general brain dumping)

Going in my nook

Old skills such as emailing updates before sessions to help me talk or make sure I stick to my plans

Talking to people and verbalising my head contents

Not giving space to thoughts/urges that are untrue and unhelpful, even if they feel like they are true and helpful

Reminding myself of why those things aren't true and reasons why I do life differently now

Allowing amygdala to party when it really needs to, but not in a destructive way

Sensory walks - touching and smelling the conifer leaves, tiptoeing along the kerb etc

Tai chi

Paying attention to what my body is telling me and how it tells me that (eg. I needed to wear my noise-cancelling headphones the whole time I was in town, not just in noisy shops. I was holding the ends of my sleeves and putting my Tangle in my mouth - seeking tactile and proprioceptive input. My stomach had a sicky feeling of anxiety. I wanted my hood up at the beginning of my sensory walk - wanting to be enclosed and reduce sensory input. My shoulders were up high and tense.)

Achieving small tasks such as cooking a meal, booking an appointment or sweeping the kitchen floor

Stretching/moving my body

Sleeping

Noticing how many things I have actually coped with and why things are difficult right now

Putting on upbeat music

Soothing rhythm breathing

Safe/calm/happy place visualisation (! Bet you never thought you'd hear me say that!) and tapping

Playing games on my phone

Jigsaw puzzle

Colouring

Reading

Playing mindfully with Baby Peggy's toys (and Baby Peggy of course!)

Cuddles with Baby Peggy

Message a friend

Fidget tools eg. Tangle

Stimmy

I'm pretty sure when I went for a gallop after a heavy therapy session this afternoon that I raised some eyebrows. 

Sometimes I have to choose between blending in and staying regulated.* I could have chosen to remain inconspicuous and probably felt stressed and dysregulated all evening, maybe with a few meltdowns in the next day or two, and some struggles to use the right coping strategies. Instead I opted for a five minute galloped perimeter of the car park. I happened upon some beautiful crocuses and exclaimed "CROCUSES!" in a loud voice (nobody was very close!). I enjoyed that so I repeated it a few times. Stopped to take some pictures of the crocuses, resumed my gallop and tiptoed along the kerb back to my car. Tiptoes are great when I'm riding high; it's like it focuses all the sensation into a small but intensive area. I also like to spread my arms as though for balancing. They join in on the gallop too. And a few jumps interspersed for good measure.

Stimming is fun but stimming is also seriously important. 

I think stimming is one of the autistic traits most misunderstood. The word is misunderstood, the actions are misunderstood and the reasons for and importance of stimming are misunderstood. 

Let's start with the word. Basically, it's what it says on the metaphorical tin: a shortening for self-stimulatory behaviour, ie repetitive actions that give sensory feedback for the person using them.  Everybody stims: maybe you're a pen-clicker or a foot-wagger or a hair-twizzler. Stims tend to happen when people are tired or anxious or bored. They regulate our stress/arousal levels.

I don't know if it's just locally or just in childcare but I have frequently heard the term stimming used as a synonym for actions that would be sexual in adults. Of course, these can be a form of stimming, but in some places this seems to be the only meaning of the word, which becomes confusing and unhelpful when trying to talk about stimming in general. Just an aside, but it's a bit of a bugbear of mine because it can be so misleading!

Autistic people often stim more frequently, for longer, and more obviously than others. Maybe because living in a world designed for people who aren't autistic means stress levels are constantly raised. Or because sensory processing is different (the same sound/taste/smell/touch/motion/other sensation registers more strongly or weakly, perhaps with an emotional response as well). Or because the person is less aware of or less concerned with what others think. Or because they are more likely to pay attention to what their body wants (or their body is more likely to demand it!). Probably a thousand reasons.

According to the NAS (National Autistic Society) website, "stimming or self-stimulatory behaviour includes arm or hand-flapping, finger-flicking, rocking, jumping, spinning or twirling, head-banging and complex body movements. It includes the repetitive use of an object, such as flicking a rubber band or twirling a piece of string, or repetitive activities involving the senses (such as repeatedly feeling a particular texture)." 

I have little stims like rubbing my top lip with my thumbnail or pressing my thumb together with each finger in turn, medium ones like spinning my Tangle, or pulling my eyebrows, and big ones like galloping. Some I only use in certain contexts and some I only need in certain contexts. Some are for when I'm calm or contemplative, some are for when I'm wound up, and some pop up in a variety of situations.

I touched on the reasons for stimming above, but they are of course infinite. Major ones include enjoyment, to gain sensory input, to reduce sensory input and to calm and soothe stress eg from unpredictability/change/sensory overload/emotional overload. There is always a reason for stimming: even if the stim is harmful in itself (eg. hand banging or excessive skin picking) it is serving an important purpose. If the stim is not harmful there is no reason to stop it just because it is deemed "strange". If it is harmful or the person wants to stop it in order to mask (masking is risky but is chosen by many people in some circumstances, or happens unwittingly), it is vital to find another way to serve the need it was fulfilling.

When people come across someone stimming in an "unusual" way - perhaps rocking, squeaking, spinning or hand flapping - many emotions may arise. Fear of the unknown, confusion, worry about whether the person is safe or what they may do next, or even simply surprise. The more we talk about it, the more I hope that the natural response will become surprise, or perhaps even happiness that people feel comfortable enough to stim freely in our presence.

I looked odd for sure. But I was regulated after that. Five minutes of weirdo for a chilled out evening, I'll take that.

*There are increasingly spaces where this choice is less necessary, and by writing this kind of thing I hope more places become like that. As I decrease my masking I am tending to find that although I may not be inconspicuous, in some places I am still accepted and respected even when I stim. In autistic online spaces stimming is celebrated and when new "stimmy" finds are discovered they are shared to help other people. Yay to this kind of thing!

Why am I a body-listener?

In my previous post I found myself playing the piano. It made me reflect on how thankful I am for the skills that I have been taught throughout my life that bring themselves into play to try and help me. Playing music, listening to music, letting my body move in the ways it wants and needs to, seeking out dark and quiet space alone. Most of these skills were taught to me in a different context from how they help me at the moment, but they repay my investment (and that of those who teach/taught me or enabled my learning in different ways) in them over and over. I'm enormously grateful for my ability to listen in to what it is that might help in any moment - in fact it more often happens quite subconsciously that I find a compulsion towards an activity which will help to regulate me.

I began to consider this inner awareness and its origins. Is it innate in me or have I learnt it? Currently reading about Developmental Movement Play (and recently listening to a podcast sent me by a dear friend) I am reminded that that our culture as a whole tends to be painfully disembodied, with the exception of a few disciplines that have a clear focus on inhabiting the body such as yoga. Why am I less so? Is it because I have always been active? Perhaps yes, and perhaps no. The activities I took part in as a child, teenager and young adult demanded mastery of the body. This involves high-definition awareness of what the body is doing but leaves little space for asking it what it would like to be doing. 

Is it because I have spent time practising yoga and tai chi? Perhaps this has helped, but I have a feeling I did not quite grasp this aspect of yoga until after I had discovered developmental movement play. Was that the magic moment? It was magical in many ways, but the approach of JABADAO (search my blog for more posts about JABADAO) and body-listening, body-communication etc seemed to come quite naturally to me. It was as if I had found what I was made for, how to really be. I noted that it wasn't like this for everybody.

So that stuff was and is instrumental in bringing the whole concept to my thinking brain (as opposed to my body-brain wherein it had been confined previously) and helping me to utilise and develop the skills to be consciously aware of what my body and brain need - to stop and ask them, and to follow their suggestions, but I don't think it can take all the credit. I think what it did was to begin to free what was hidden in there all along, squashed somewhat by trying to fit in to our society, but not squashed as much as most people! Because my brain is more focused on the sensory world than some brains, I find it easier to access these things, or harder to ignore them. So sometimes I love autism!

The body speaks if we care to listen

I'm super dysregulated today. 

My first clue was that I was standing on my tiptoes waiting for my tai chi class to start. I actually thought I was feeling a little calmer this morning because our shower has been fixed so my morning routine is finally back to normal (see the executive function post to imagine the difficulties with figuring out how to wash yourself and start your day when your routine is not available!). But when Instructor Peggy (he's definitely part of my network of supportive Peggies!) joked about how tall I was I began to pay attention to my body and discover unease there, outed by my body's attempts to regulate itself. I noted that even though attention had been drawn to me, my feet really wanted to stay with the extra pressure of being on tiptoe. I was anxious. 

Later in the day my body has led me to playing the piano, reading, painting, and rolling on the floor. I've noticed it hasn't wanted to do any of them for very long, whereas often it will stay with one occupation all morning or afternoon. It's feeling unsettled, which makes a lot of sense given the amount of changes and unpredictability and stressful situations coming up in the next week. Each activity has helped a little in the moment, but I don't settle to anything. Now it has sent me blogging, instructing me to delay the supermarket trip (it felt a supermarket meltdown coming on - I wonder whether it will after I've done this). It's trying to help me out - sometimes my body knows better than my brain. 

Yesterday it popped me in the nook for most of the day which was quite appropriate but clearly today is different. The anxiety is mounting and so the body is looking for the best way to stay regulated. Let's see what it brings me to over the next few days!

I didn't have a supermarket meltdown. I took my time, used my familiar soundtrack and navigated the shop without drama. I have enough experience by now to know that my body usually guides me soundly. Now maybe I should listen to its guidance on emotions too... I reject them but then they just escape or leak out uninvited - tears in that restorative yoga pose, dreams about having meltdowns, they're all messages telling me something needs attention.