Why am I a body-listener?

In my previous post I found myself playing the piano. It made me reflect on how thankful I am for the skills that I have been taught throughout my life that bring themselves into play to try and help me. Playing music, listening to music, letting my body move in the ways it wants and needs to, seeking out dark and quiet space alone. Most of these skills were taught to me in a different context from how they help me at the moment, but they repay my investment (and that of those who teach/taught me or enabled my learning in different ways) in them over and over. I'm enormously grateful for my ability to listen in to what it is that might help in any moment - in fact it more often happens quite subconsciously that I find a compulsion towards an activity which will help to regulate me.

I began to consider this inner awareness and its origins. Is it innate in me or have I learnt it? Currently reading about Developmental Movement Play (and recently listening to a podcast sent me by a dear friend) I am reminded that that our culture as a whole tends to be painfully disembodied, with the exception of a few disciplines that have a clear focus on inhabiting the body such as yoga. Why am I less so? Is it because I have always been active? Perhaps yes, and perhaps no. The activities I took part in as a child, teenager and young adult demanded mastery of the body. This involves high-definition awareness of what the body is doing but leaves little space for asking it what it would like to be doing. 

Is it because I have spent time practising yoga and tai chi? Perhaps this has helped, but I have a feeling I did not quite grasp this aspect of yoga until after I had discovered developmental movement play. Was that the magic moment? It was magical in many ways, but the approach of JABADAO (search my blog for more posts about JABADAO) and body-listening, body-communication etc seemed to come quite naturally to me. It was as if I had found what I was made for, how to really be. I noted that it wasn't like this for everybody.

So that stuff was and is instrumental in bringing the whole concept to my thinking brain (as opposed to my body-brain wherein it had been confined previously) and helping me to utilise and develop the skills to be consciously aware of what my body and brain need - to stop and ask them, and to follow their suggestions, but I don't think it can take all the credit. I think what it did was to begin to free what was hidden in there all along, squashed somewhat by trying to fit in to our society, but not squashed as much as most people! Because my brain is more focused on the sensory world than some brains, I find it easier to access these things, or harder to ignore them. So sometimes I love autism!

The body speaks if we care to listen

I'm super dysregulated today. 

My first clue was that I was standing on my tiptoes waiting for my tai chi class to start. I actually thought I was feeling a little calmer this morning because our shower has been fixed so my morning routine is finally back to normal (see the executive function post to imagine the difficulties with figuring out how to wash yourself and start your day when your routine is not available!). But when Instructor Peggy (he's definitely part of my network of supportive Peggies!) joked about how tall I was I began to pay attention to my body and discover unease there, outed by my body's attempts to regulate itself. I noted that even though attention had been drawn to me, my feet really wanted to stay with the extra pressure of being on tiptoe. I was anxious. 

Later in the day my body has led me to playing the piano, reading, painting, and rolling on the floor. I've noticed it hasn't wanted to do any of them for very long, whereas often it will stay with one occupation all morning or afternoon. It's feeling unsettled, which makes a lot of sense given the amount of changes and unpredictability and stressful situations coming up in the next week. Each activity has helped a little in the moment, but I don't settle to anything. Now it has sent me blogging, instructing me to delay the supermarket trip (it felt a supermarket meltdown coming on - I wonder whether it will after I've done this). It's trying to help me out - sometimes my body knows better than my brain. 

Yesterday it popped me in the nook for most of the day which was quite appropriate but clearly today is different. The anxiety is mounting and so the body is looking for the best way to stay regulated. Let's see what it brings me to over the next few days!

I didn't have a supermarket meltdown. I took my time, used my familiar soundtrack and navigated the shop without drama. I have enough experience by now to know that my body usually guides me soundly. Now maybe I should listen to its guidance on emotions too... I reject them but then they just escape or leak out uninvited - tears in that restorative yoga pose, dreams about having meltdowns, they're all messages telling me something needs attention.