10 Deep Breaths for 10 Days

Day 1 (Monday): I follow Hania Therapies on Facebook as I visit Amy Manancourt for massage and yoga therapy. As I checked my page at lunch time Amy was presenting a challenge to her followers: take 10 deep breaths for yourself each day for ten days and see what happens. It seemed do-able and potentially interesting, so I thought I'd give it a go. I tend to think I'm pretty good now at listening to myself and allowing myself time because I have had to learn to do this in order to keep functioning. So I thought it would be interesting to see whether a little practice like this would change anything much or not. I took my 10 breaths when I usually have a mindful moment at the end of my lunch break and they encouraged me to linger just a little longer appreciating the stillness and my surroundings (though not much longer or I'd be late!).

Day 2 (Tuesday): As I took my 10 deep breaths on Tuesday I was reminded of when I first visited Amy for treatment a year ago. At the end of each yoga posture she would have me take three deep breaths in with a sighing breath out. Although I never mentioned it, I really struggled with this - hearing my own breath was incredibly uncomfortable. It felt painfully vulnerable, as though my most intimate self were laid bare (eye contact can also feel like this). Luckily I trust her a lot! I felt exposed and most definitely not invisible (A desire to be invisible can drive a lot of behaviour in my life. Currently reading a fascinating book on 'Exposure Anxiety' and autism - future blog post in several months when I've finished it...); troubled by my own existence and taking up of space and air. I also had difficulty in those days when yoga required stretching arms out when lying down. I think I felt unprotected, exposed and vulnerable again, and had to work very hard mentally to physically open up form my 'safe' closed posture.

I still experience these difficulties now when I am having a tricky day with Brian, and I have noticed that as soon as the difficult thoughts and feelings are present in my body it begins almost to shrink: to curl in on itself, becoming tense and making itself as small and invisible as possible. My 10 deep breaths helped me realise how far I have come from that first meeting a year ago though: I now notice this feeling in myself because it is not present all the time.

Day 3 (Wednesday):  On Wednesday it was very difficult to allow myself my 10 breaths. I think I got to about three. The day was challenging, the Brian was loud, and I didn't feel like I should be using the air I was breathing. I would be a better person, or have more respect for myself if I could do without that air. This sounds as though I have a terrible opinion of myself and non-existent self-worth, which isn't actually the case, so maybe it's not the best way to express how I sometimes feel, but I can't quite find any words that come closer. Perhaps it's more that fact that concentrating on the breath reminds me that I exist. I am here in this world, taking up space and oxygen. If I breathe, there is undeniably a "me". And on difficult days I find this a troubling concept to swallow. I'd like to be able to choose my visibility or invisibility. [edit: just read a quote from Exposure Anxiety - The Invisible Cage by Donna Williams: "so someone can actually trigger their own Exposure Anxiety simply because they become such an intense audience to themselves." Interesting.]

Day 4 (Thursday): On Thursday I still struggled, but managed to take my 10 deep breaths. Amy suggested on Thursday that we consider what we are grateful for when we find that moment where we give ourselves permission to slow down, listen and simply breathe. I was (and am!) grateful for birdsong, for sunshine and for hope.

Day 5 (Friday): I can't actually remember my 10 breaths on Friday. I thought when I started that I should make notes as I went along, but somehow didn't. I'm working on accepting this imperfection and going with what is. I usually take my 10 deep breaths time lying on my bench on the moor at lunch time, and the day was going OK at that point so I think it was fairly uneventful. The day later became stressful and I used some less constructive coping methods accidentally. I learn from this that I can never become complacent about how I am coping and that I must continue thoughtfully and intentionally looking after myself. I also continue practising acceptance of the me that is right now, with all of its different facets.

Day 6 (Saturday): I didn't get round to doing my 10 deep breaths. It was a busy day, and full of fun and excitement but also brought anxiety and some triggers taking me back to a time in the past where I was very much in the grips of my mental health disorder (particularly in the light of Friday). I stayed on the straight and narrow but my brain was busy! I could have made time for my breaths but each time I had an opportunity I forgot. Which is an insight in itself, really. However, I'm not going to berate myself, feel guilty or let the incompleteness or imperfection of my 10 days spoil things; rather, I notice, accept, and observe what this says about where I am right now.

Day 7 (Sunday): My normal routine has been rather out of the window this week because of Saturday's activities and preparations for the through the week. I always find it a bit difficult to balance weekends when I don't have a normal Saturday and today arrived with the relief of knowing my routine will be back to normal this week tempered by anxiety that I could not quite pin to any specific source. It threatened to overtake me as I searched for the balance between doing and not doing, preparing for the week (physically and mentally) and allowing myself to be however I needed to be. I couldn't settle to anything or find peace. I was pestered by thoughts of negative coping strategies and overwhelmed by all the things I needed to accomplish (including relaxing!).

I had set YouTube to "My Mix" (to create a playlist from music on my playlists or similar) as I wanted to listen to something but couldn't decide what. After a short while I was stopped in my tracks by a piece of music that brings an instant change in my internal state. It was the first piece of music playing when I walked into the JABADAO! training over a year ago, which was a day that changed my life (for more on this and also on Amy Manancourt see this previous post) . That piece has a lot of power for me and it reminded me instantly of my 10 deep breaths. I put down what I was doing, laid on the floor and took my 10 breaths. The breaths led me to my mat and half an hour of yin yoga. I won't claim it solved everything, but I was then able to go and eat something and from there to do a few jobs and then sit down and snuggle with my guinea pigs for a long and settled chill out. The anxiety didn't leave me completely: I'm still sitting with it now, but I got through the day without engaging in too many negatives, managing a few small achievements and having time to hopefully mean I can face the week ahead. I'm trying to be kind to myself about the things I might not get done, or the timescale I might be working to.

Day 8 (Monday): Well I somehow completed the day without disgracing myself in any dramatic way. I used coping strategies that probably aren't helpful in the long run, but they work to get me through what needs to be done. I don't have any other option right now. Despite not being able to allow myself some other things, I did defy the Brian enough to have my 10 deep breaths. Although I experienced a definite resistance to letting go at all, the breaths did help to relax my body and mind a little, for which I was grateful in the context of the day: a moment of slight relief is maybe all I would have been able to accept. On days like that, an attempt to grant myself anything is likely to be rejected as unacceptable because it is too much, too overpowering. Just a little at a time, so as to fool the Brian into not noticing.

Day 9 (Tuesday): Today was similar. I threw out my last lifeline early in the morning, which was caught by a couple of wonderful work Peggies perfectly undramatically and just about got me through a day which was even more challenging than expected. My thought while taking my 10 breaths was to consider carrying the practice throughout the days. I breathe very slowly so ten at a time takes quite a while, but I thought it could help when things are difficult to remember I might be able to stop and take just one deep breath, or even not to stop, but at least to take that breath for myself in the midst of whatever is happening, giving myself space to refocus. Of course I was then too busy the rest of the day to employ this and it only came to mind again once I reached my bed at night!

Day 10 (Wednesday): Reading back yesterday's writing is amusing as I recognise that taking deep breaths is hardly a new idea for somebody that has lived with anxiety for a while! It's the prescribed-to-all first line of defence and doesn't generally cut the mustard for me. But having committed to this practice for these ten days has perhaps brought back its value to me, and allowed me to find what a relaxing deep breath is for me, rather than one that is full of stress. It still isn't going to solve everything for me, but there are times when it could be the ingredient in my coping concoction that just gets me through a particular moment. And of course I know very well that taking a proper time out purely to ground/focus/meditate/yoga/pray/whichever precise emphasis or name you choose to take at a given moment does proportionally more to bring (or perhaps is even exponentially proportionate to) a physical and mental change of state. Can I restructure my days to facilitate more of this??

So I haven't had a perfectly-formed beautiful journey of discovery to share with you from my 10 Deep Breaths for 10 Days, but that is not what it was about - that is just what my perfectionist Brian would like to turn it into. Instead you have an imperfect but real record of my explorations and thoughts, ups and downs. I'm not even going to say successes and failures - just a story of what is. Down with judgment is what I say!

Powerful yoga

This post is a slightly jumbled attempt to collect and process my thoughts on one of those unexpected transient moments that somehow strike deep into your consciousness and capture you, leaving a wash of thoughts and realisations across your mind. It might not all be correct or what I would like to think, but is my observations of what my Brian was doing. I wrote it only for myself but later thought it could be of interest to others in a similar situation.

Moments gone in a breath can leave a wake (on contrail...) to appreciate

My thoughts this weekend have been constantly drawn back to a comment made to me on Friday.

As I left my yoga class on Friday my teacher said I had worked well today. "Very powerful". That comment was unexpected and it had a massive effect on me. There was an instant emotional reaction. I'm not sure exactly what it was, but it was a positive one. I felt seen, I felt valuable, I felt that I had achieved something, that my work was "good"; I felt strong.

At that point I had no idea I was feeling all those things; it just felt good. But it kept coming back to me, and I was intrigued as to why such a small comment could have such a transformative effect. 

This teacher had seen my work. Had noticed, when I was just being quiet and not drawing attention, just working hard for myself. I have always craved that seeing from people. (Interestingly, I generally seek not to be seen: to melt into the background and be anonymous. To only be noticed when I choose, but this is the 'good' type of seeing.) People who pay attention to the things that are less easy to see. These are the ones who want to see, who really care. If you ask for attention everyone will have to give it. If you don't, the ones who are worth it will spot what is going on.

I thought perhaps he had noticed how hard I was working, how well I want to do (which as I write this, I realise is a little ironic in yoga...). Perhaps he notices each week how hard it is for me to relax myself. How I even when I manage, the tension creeps back within minutes or seconds and I have to work so hard to send it away again. Perhaps this is why he is so firm when he tells us to "Let Go". That nothing else matters right now except being here and breathing. Perhaps he knows how safe this makes me feel. Somebody else being so firm, instructing, almost ordering relaxation. I'm good at obedience, and being told to let go means it's actually OK to for once. One time I nearly just burst into tears!

Perhaps he sees some of my story. He once asked quietly about the marks on my arms, enquiring whether I was OK. I told him he didn't need to know; he didn't push for more and we've never spoken about it since, but I often wonder how often he checks to see how clear my arms are, or what he thinks when there are fresh marks.

Sometimes I have wanted to tell him, but I think it's better this way. A kind of silent understanding, and he responds in the best way for me, with strength and push. He understands that I need to work. No coaxing, no gentleness, but humour and strength, with care underneath. It's healing. Talking about it would complicate and mess it up. He's found the way to get to me, and wow, it works wonders. I feel like a different person after his classes.

He's probably completely oblivious!

So that's why commenting had such an effect, and it has had an effect like that before, when he's commented that my work was looking good today. (I think it's partly also that the comments are so minimal. No excess, no gushing or opinions, just a quick fact. Truth - thought through and genuinely about me, but objective and to the point. Feeling but few words. This is not overpowering but empowering, healing and draws me in to want more rather than making me want to push away.)

But why "powerful" in particular? Why was that so huge a reaction?

I often feel powerless? With anxiety, ASC and my mental health problem, it is easy to feel overwhelmed.

It made me feel strong and I don't often feel strong.

Strong is one of the few good feelings I really want, I think. It's not nicey nicey, smarmy and wishy washy. It's definite. A positive attribute I could bear to have. I can respect it in myself.

A first step towards self-respect??

It said I had done a good job. I really like doing a good job, and somebody knowing I've done a good job, but not because I've told them, and neither have they told anybody else.

It acknowledged my work to discipline my body and mind. Part of this is the being seen and part that I like to have control over myself. I often feel out of control so this is a bit like a drug to me. Is it OK to get this from yoga or is it feeding the control addiction?

I was receiving respect from him and this was good. Not just nice comments but true seeing, understanding and respecting.