Tired

I don't want to fight any more, I'm exhausted.

The landscape around me feels bleak despite the warm (finally not wriggling) bundle of comfort in my arms.

But there is no way out. 

My options are to fight or to abandon all that I love in this world.*

Well, it's a little more complicated than that - I could live a half life that involves both fighting within myself and neglecting my husband, son and pupils/colleagues, as well as not enjoying any of those relationships fully. To be fair, even giving in and letting the darkness win involves fighting anyway. Or I could try and delay one by doing the other and just prolong the anguish. But ultimately it boils down to resigning myself to what my head says or fighting back against it.

Abandoning my family again can't be an option. So if I can't fight for my own benefit at the moment I need to constantly remind myself of the implications of giving in. It's confusing because making the "right" choices feels more like giving in, and doing the "wrong" thing feels like what I should be doing. I need persistent reminders that not listening to the darkness is not the easy route of giving in but the correct, responsible, hard grind of making sure that I can fully perform and enjoy my various roles in life. None of the Peggies deserve a half-me.

When nearly everything inside you fills you with shame and disgust at your "right" actions it certainly feels like a bleak battle. But I know it gets better. I know that my brain will eventually see the "right" way round again - even though the very thought of that switch fills me with alarm and horror right now. I have been round this loop enough times to eventually try and trust what doesn't feel true: the words, warnings and examples of those around me remain the same as my mindset changes, and I have to trust that they are truth and not poison.

It's relentless and it's exhausting; please bear with me.

These two Peggies are my world. Worth fighting for.

ETA: After some much-needed quality time with my trusty Rainbow Peggy I am feeling strengthened in resolve and hope. Still exhausted and still back to front but resolved to pursue the path I am told is right.

* Please note - before you all start panicking, I am not suicidal and have no intention of leaving the world; by abandoning I mean allowing my life to go down a path where everything becomes skewed, where I am not able to be there physically, mentally and/or emotionally for those I love and for myself, and where destruction follows me bringing pain and brokenness to the people I care about.