There has been so much party time that it's beginning to feel like going back a couple of years to when I was pretty much constantly in overwhelm, bouncing from one threat response to another without time to return to base levels in between. I'm having to focus most of my attention on trying to stay regulated.
It's scary because I remember that as a very nasty place that I don't want to spend any more time in. I was trying to cope in positive ways but regularly resorting to various harmful behaviours because my other strategies didn't give me enough relief or quickly enough.
Things have changed since then. Throughout the past week I would have had probably at least one amygdala party a day, and several on some days, but there have only been a couple altogether. A few close calls as well, but I have noticed several times "I coped with that - that would have had me in meltdown in the past." I am better at using more skills more often and for longer - coping with more things before becoming overwhelmed.
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| Picture from https://iveronicawalsh.wordpress.com/2014/04/11/a-cbt-look-at-fight-or-flight-when-the-tail-wags-the-dog/ |
But the moments are coming thick and fast, and the number of times where the threat system completely takes over is much higher than it has been for a long time, and it is active large portions of the time. It scares me because I know really that I don't want to rely on old habits again, no matter how much it feels like they would help or that I should go back to them (and I am pleased to say that I have just about managed so far). It feels like things are going backwards. And then I'm supposed to be starting therapy - what if that makes it worse, or what if I can't because I'm too unsettled? I'm going back to work - I don't want to be back to "wobbles at work," that is too close to how things used to be. But I might be more stressed while I make the adjustment to that big change too.
But perhaps this is just a rough patch - being here is right now but that doesn't mean it's forever. I am better at using skills. I am better at communicating. I am better at recognising when I need to step back and reassess. I may feel the same but I haven't yet resorted to the same behaviours during this difficult week. It feels worse than it is because in addition to the stress/distress I have the fear from the memory of how awful that time was.
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| Take a nice picture of a budderfly instead of doing something destructive |
I will always have overwhelm and threat responses to deal with; though some will hopefully reduce over time some are due to the way my brain functions not being quite compatible with the way our world is set up. There will be times in life where there is more upheaval or more upset for one reason or another. Those times don't have to put me in the same place. It can seem almost impossible or even wrong to go a different way. Hopefully I will get used to it and it will become easier.
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| Picture from https://m.facebook.com/brainandbehaviorclinic/photos/a.2406050409623312/2406674099560943/?type=3 |
ETA: Baby Peggy has obligingly had a mahoosive nap two days in a row and slept better the night in between, so my brain has had some good down time. I've been working hard at tending to it so am feeling a lot better and more positive. Still fragile, but more restored and more certain that this is temporary and manageable. I remind myself that if I become overwhelmed again it isn't because my coping strategies didn't work, it's because I need to use them again.
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