Sorry this is a long one! Think I'm guilty here of trying to tell the whole story and wittering on about something that could be said succinctly. And doing that very clumsily at times. But I can't be bothered to edit any more to make it pretty and readable because I add more instead of editing out!
I had a good reflection today.
In a group we were talking about self-esteem and assertiveness and I had a bit of a warm fuzzy thinking about how much I have come on in this area over the past few years.
One of my core ideals is to be kind to others, to help people when I can and to have a positive effect on those I come into contact with and so for me people thinking I'm unkind, self-centred, rude, greedy or lazy is one of the worst things that could happen. I know I shouldn't care so much what people think of me but I do. Because I communicate in a different way from the majority of people (eg. I don't always realise the truth may be offensive - if I state the truth it is simply that, without judgment, but I think others infer a judgment and are then upset because they think I'm saying something is bad when actually I'm just saying something is) and my face and body language don't always convey my true feelings in the way people would expect, I have many times been misinterpreted and this has resulted in my beliefs, thoughts, behaviour and emotions gradually becoming more and more skewed in order to stay safe from being viewed in those upsetting ways that are so against my values. (Perhaps it seems so intolerable because not only is it upsetting but it's not true. It doesn't line up with the facts of who I am?)
But recently I've become less black and white and learnt that expressing my own needs, thoughts and opinions does not necessarily mean other people's are squashed and that I am acting against my values. "Both of these things can be true" is a phrase I frequently come back to that really has transformed how I approach some aspects of life (when I remember!).
Back to self-esteem, thankfully I have never had the belief that I am a completely terrible, useless, rubbish person - I had some internal confidence in the things I had abilities in and in myself as a vaguely kind person. But... I did not esteem myself highly, or much at all. I didn't think I mattered. I would happily put myself in rejection or ridicule's way if it were a matter of someone else's wellbeing but if I needed something or felt hurt I would stay quiet. I downplayed abilities for fear of being rejected or ridiculed. I placed little to no importance on myself, my needs and my wishes. Although I didn't believe I was bad or useless, I somehow believed I was less important than others and that if there were any discrepancies the other person must be right. Put others first; don't presume upon anyone to put themselves out for you. I still think these are worthwhile values, but my brain is black and white and takes everything to its logical conclusion, so these become "your needs and wishes are not as important as others' and you must never inconvenience anyone." And then "you should be invisible and not need anything."
Somewhere over the past few years I have moved on slightly. The therapy and support I've had has probably (definitely) helped! I'm not sure whether I have consciously tried to be more assertive in my communication (where previously I would have been passive because I was so worried that I would appear aggressive/awkward/obnoxious, offend somebody, inconvenience somebody or just that they would misinterpret and think I didn't care or didn't like them) or whether it has happened naturally as I have started to understand and accept myself more.
I was so scared of trampling on others that I daredn't exist. I still mitigate most requests with disclaimers and most refusals with apologies but I now place enough value on myself that I am more likely to express my needs or do what I need to. I don't (always) automatically feel guilty and that I am bad or wrong for stating honestly my perspective with respect and kindness towards the other party.
And on reflection it's actually better for everyone if I am assertive (which doesn't mean trampling on others but expressing my needs and opinions clearly but kindly). Being assertive involves behaving with proper compassion (not just "niceness") to both myself and others, and gaining an understanding of this through therapy has definitely helped too. It's obviously better for my own wellbeing because I don't end up in burnout and resorting to unhelpful coping strategies (as much) - which would be reason enough to celebrate - but it can be helpful for others too. Looking at it the other way round, I feel much more settled amongst people who are assertive because I know I can ask them things because I know they will say no if it's not right for them. If I can't trust someone to say no then I can't ask them to help because I can't be sure they won't help me at their own expense. When I know people understand and are comfortable expressing their needs or opinions then I'm not worried that I will hurt them unwittingly. And so I can return the compliment by not giving people the extra work of trying to guess when and how to help me and whether my needs are being catered for.
As we talked about what low self esteem can look like - including never saying no, always saying sorry, perfectionism, avoiding situations eg conflict or going out, not challenging self etc - I realised that I am much less like that than I used to be. Sometimes it's little things like saying "thank you" instead of "sorry" and other times it's bigger things like asking for help when I feel that I shouldn't need it, or saying "no" to something that will be detrimental to me. I have actually come a long way and that is great. Some of the things I have learnt have started to stick and although I still struggle with many thoughts and beliefs about myself and the world, some of those problematic areas have seen a shift. And the fact that I'm more comfortable with that says a lot in itself about how I value myself. Other things will be harder to change but it is helpful to notice that some movement has happened and that it is both acceptable and positive. Maybe other changes will eventually become acceptable too.
Edited to add: Searching for a title for this, I realised I am much better at referring to myself in the first person now - maybe I'm getting better at having a "me."
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