I'm not sure whether any part of it is intrinsic to being autistic, but certainly the lion's share (not sure why the lion gets a share of autistic anxiety 🤔) is caused by living in a world where your brain type is a minority and most environments, systems and social networks are designed for a type of brain that's different from yours.
My anxiety varies wildly depending on all kinds of factors. Some I've figured out, like tiredness, sensory overload and social overload and others I haven't so it appears random. Sometimes I can go days without experiencing more than mild, ignorable anxiety. I can do and enjoy the activities I have chosen and the jobs I need to do - sometimes even things that aren't imminently urgent. At other times I know that the anxiety is more. I have to work at managing it, using different skills to keep calm and either acting the opposite and not allowing it to shrink or interrupt my life, or listening to what it is telling me and scaling things back as needed. And then sometimes it seems unmanageable. I can't do the things I want or need to do, I have meltdowns, shutdowns or panic attacks, and it is hard to recover.
Today I haven't had any of the big moments (yet!), but anxiety meant I did not speak to the person I've been trying to meet for several weeks who was finally in the same place as me. It meant I spent my half hour car journey doing breathing exercises and mindfulness to try and stay calm and avoid spiralling. It meant I didn't look for the person who's selling a balance bike I'd like for Little Peggy. It meant I struggled to concentrate on the talk because I kept having to retrieve my thoughts from anxiety-land. It meant I didn't chat to the person I wanted to catch up with about their recent visits to families with disabled children in Malawi, and whether there's any way I could help or links we could build with my work. It meant I nearly forgot to use my Tangle instead of harmful stims. It meant I had to talk myself into eating my meals. It meant noise was more noisy and stress was more stressy. It meant I didn't tell Mr Peggy how anxious I was until about the fourth invitation, at which point I still said very little about it. In fact talking at all is much more effort than normal - so I've been masking by talking anyway, which eats further into my spoon supplies (amusing metaphorical image...).
And probably a thousand other things that I didn't notice or can't be bothered to list.
Some of today's anxiety was inevitable with things that are coming up in my week. Some could have been avoided or reduced by better communication. It is compounded by memories popping up as usual and bringing difficult emotions.
So yeah. Anxiety. If you know any kind of ND (neurodivergent person - autistic, ADHD, dyslexic, dyspraxic etc) they probably live with anxiety. It might not look the same every day or in every situation: that doesn't mean they're making it up or that they're "acting out," being dramatic or manipulative. Their resources just aren't stretching so far right now. Please be kind. If you want to help, get to know the person and what helps to reduce their anxiety. Just asking is likely to automatically reduce anxiety around you even if there's nothing else we ask - many of my lovely Peggies have done this and it makes me feel more relaxed when they're around. Thanks people!
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