My PIP review form came this week. That's not what this post is about, but it does mean that at least this little incident served some purpose in reminding me that I am not a Round Peg. I often find tasks like this difficult because I think that I get on pretty well in the grand scheme of things and shouldn't be asking for or receiving special treatment like adjustments at work or benefits from the government.
But last week it turned out that not only am I incapable of sitting on a chair,* but I am not the world's finest communicator.
I shall wait for you all to retrieve your lower jaws from the floor where they have fallen in shock...
I tried to go home sick from work on Wednesday. This is already notable, in all fairness. I am terrible at knowing when I should or shouldn't be at work: I do not understand the Line (except the one where you've been sick) and how or when to draw it. It is too vague; it is a fuzz, not a line. I had got as far as consider that maybe I should probably draw it. I could not bring myself to call in sick on teacher strike day. I would go in and give it my best shot, get through the day and arrange after school if I still felt bad that I wouldn't come in on Thursday (that is easier because it is planned and the decision is spaced away from the action and I know what to expect on the day).
After I got to work we were informed that our class would be closed and told where we each would be covering. Once the informer had left the room I realised I had only found out about the morning (processing time...). Located Person With Information. Asked what I would be doing in the afternoon. They said it hadn't been settled yet and I would find out later. Thought very quickly. Replied "OK, maybe if I'm not desperately needed I could go home: I'm really not very well but I didn't feel I could call in sick on teacher strike day."
The Person With Information saw me a little later and expressed sympathy, saying it was a strange day for us all and I could wait in my class until the pupils arrived if that helped. I agreed and mentioned that my symptoms (fever, intense headache and incredibly sore throat) were not helping either.
When I eventually went to ask what was happening in the afternoon, having already taken my lunch break because I was unable to find People With Information, I was told I was going to cover someone who was ill and needed to go home. I mentioned for a final time that I was also ill and went off as instructed.
They didn't need me for five minutes and I needed to fetch my coat and as soon as I left the room I found myself in tears. I had a little cry, washed my face and continued the day. I would like to say with grace and professionalism but I definitely whinged!!! At least I have enough self confidence to whinge about it - in the past I would have been so upset, and ashamed that I'd asked for something I shouldn't have, that I wouldn't have uttered another word about it to anyone.
The next day I went to school. And the next.
Now I bluffed it out and joked about how I was clearly well enough to be there because they hadn't sent me home, but genuinely, even though I knew maybe I should be at home, I also believed that. Remember I'm not good at making that call, and not confident in those decisions once made, so if someone says or acts in a ways that suggests I have got it wrong, then I assume they must be right.
By Friday evening I was taking antibiotics for Strep A throat and ear infection. That I have probably now spread to half my class.
The two problems were a: I wasn't confident in how ill I was or whether that was too ill to be at work, and after many years I still don't have a reliable way to make that decision and b: the communication regarding my tentative decision failed. Although I have managed once or twice in the past, I still did not have a reliable way of communicating that decision.
The thing is, at the time I only knew about one of those problems and so I believed I was wrong and should be at work because it had been judged to be so. The second problem only came out on the Friday when I asked to keep my phone on me while I waited for a doctor call-back. This was a different Person With Information and one who had only been present at my third attempt to convey that I was unwell (my attempts became clumsier each time, and I didn't reiterate the bit about going home because I had already said it so they already knew I wanted to and I didn't want to seem demanding as I have been told plenty of times in that setting and others that just because I ask for something doesn't mean someone is obliged to give it. A fact that I am only too well aware of).
Their understanding of the situation was very different from mine. They had not received that message that I had requested to go home, and assumed that I had not made it clearly enough to be understood. I got the impression that it was very much my fault that this had happened. I still don't know whether this was indeed entirely my fault or perhaps a little of the old double empathy. It is in the past and ultimately now doesn't matter.
When told that it is my responsibility to say I need to go home rather than work's to send me, I asked what I should do when I have made that decision and have asked and haven't been allowed. The Person seemed confused by this question and suggested the part about how I probably hadn't communicated clearly enough. But helpfully, they gave a script, so now at least I have a solution for problem b and I can't feel worried about it being too demanding because it is literally what I've been told to say. It's just very confusing when half the time you're told you shouldn't ask for things and then you're told you should!
So yes, the upshot is, I am not Round (for many other reasons than just this!!) and I will try not to feel guilty filling in my PIP review. It's not my decision whether they award it, anyway - I will just give them the information.
*that's a joke - one day recently I managed to fall off one in two different ways in the space of five minutes, causing much hilarity to myself and others
