Safe

Writing my post about community, I mentioned that I felt safe in the community on the ward. I nearly went off on a tangent about "safe" and decided it warranted a separate post.

Most definitions of safe state something to do with being protected from or not exposed to danger or risk; not likely to be harmed or lost. I looked that up after I wrote the following, and it fits right in! Danger, to the brain, includes not only injury and illness to the body but rejection by others and not getting needs met. Being despised, ridiculed or feared (all experiences of I guess most autistic people) probably come under that heading too.

Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs names safety
as a basic need required before we can access
the benefits of engagement and learning

I have had many conversations with people who live with mental health difficulties about safe people and safe places. In the general hospital there were some people who were safe and others who weren't. With the safe ones I felt empowered where I was otherwise scared and immobilised. People talk about whether they feel safe (and thus able to work to their fullest potential) with their colleagues. It seems to be a concept that we each think we have made up and yet we all understand. So I thought I'd see if I could figure out what I actually mean when I say I feel safe somewhere or with someone. And how could I say I felt "safe" in an environment when I had daily threat responses there? If safety allows thriving, what characteristics do I want to promote in my communities and in myself, to help me to feel safe wherever I go?

When I felt that I was not going to be judged (or if I were, there were sufficient people around who understood me to counter that message of misjudgment), I was understood, I was protected, and people were kind, then I felt safe. Later on, I found that I was valued. Now, this was by no means a perfect environment and there were definitely times where these things didn't happen, and I know that not all other people shared my experience, but these are the aspects that I think contribute to me feeling safe in any context.

I think a safe person or a safe environment is characterised by:

Non-judgment. I will not be judged or rejected for my needs, my mistakes, my character, my interests, my self-expression or anything that is intrinsically me. Some actions may not be acceptable but my character will not be judged by those around me.

Understanding. My needs are understood. My communication is understood. The people around me know me - they understand what is likely to cause a problem and why, and how to help. They also understand my abilities and give me independence and responsibility in the many areas where that is appropriate.

Protection. There is protection from danger, be this danger from my own actions or thoughts, or from those of others. I am helped to learn to how and when to protect myself. Perhaps a part of this is also boundaries. Although constricting, boundaries are there to keep us safe and every community has them. The clearer they are, the safer we feel, because we understand what can and can't happen, and the consequences if boundaries are broken. When this system fails, we stop feeling safe.

Kindness. I am treated with compassion. This encompasses most of the other points but I think it is so important it needs to be listed separately. When people are kind, the people around them feel safe. See my older post on Kindness here.

Freedom from social expectations (other than boundaries). I added this one afterwards because I was thinking about how my presence or input needs to be optional for me to feel safe. If I'm under pressure from others or myself to be present, the safe feeling goes. If I need to provide something (interaction, performing tasks, making decisions, just generally engaging to a certain level) I begin to feel under threat in case I cannot deliver. On the unit I was completely at liberty (outside structured sessions) to choose if and when I spent time in communal areas, and when I was there, whether I chose to engage with others and to what extent. Nobody expected anything from me and nobody would be offended or go without their needs being met if I were not there or not speaking. When I am truly free from social expectations I am at my best socially because I can do what is best in the moment.

... and the bonus, value and belonging. In a place that is good as well as safe, I am valued. My differences are not only tolerated but appreciated. I don't feel that it is a difficulty to accommodate my needs, but a pleasure because inclusion will also help others. I am not only not a problem, but I am an asset. People are fond of me partly because of my idiosyncrasies, not in a patronising way but because they genuinely see something they like in my quirks. My peculiar perspective is helpful in seeing things differently. I am recognised for the positive additions I bring to a community or relationship instead of my differences showing how I don't belong.

Is this what safety means to you? Have I missed anything out? As I have read this through a couple of times and added bits in I have noted increasingly that the attitudes in the people around us that foster safety are also attitudes that we can cultivate towards ourselves. If I can apply these lenses to the way I look at myself, I will increasingly carry my own sense of safety with me and perhaps become less deeply affected by the responses I find in different surroundings.

Edited to add, after this post from a friend, that feeling safe is as important as being safe. The brain and body respond the same way whether a threat is perceived or actual. And feeling safe then allows us to branch out beyond our safe place or take calculated risks knowing that we can return to safety.