Both of these things can be true (dialectics)

 Sooo, here is a thing that has popped up in an awful lot of conversations this week. Different people, different scenarios, and not just me going on about it special-interest-style - it's emerged spontaneously in conversation, brought up by either person. Although true to character it is often me that gets excited and starts yelling about it when I notice we've ended up there again. I do love making links and identifying things: it helps the world connect together and make sense.

I will always remember a particular nurse who was oft heard to remind patients "both of these things can be true." I think of her every time I exclaim it mid-conversation, and I will never forget the mind-blowing effect it had on me the first time I heard it. It's a devastatingly simple concept, but was a whole new world to me, two things being true at once, the world not being binary black and white boxes. Transformational!

When I am anxious about an upcoming event I get asked, "will you even enjoy it at all"? or "is it worth putting yourself through this?" and I find myself trying to explain the conundrum of how it's OK to go because although I am and will be anxious, I will have fun too. Then I realise it's really simple: it's that thing again! Both of these things can be true. Although anxiety may at a first glance appear to preclude positive emotions, in truth I can have anxiety and have enjoyment at the same time. I have anxiety most of the time so it's pretty lucky that's true or my life would be incredibly dark and dismal. Two statements that seem completely at odds with one another may actually both be true.

The principle works for a whole host of scenarios. 

A teenager may want independence and want the support and care of their parents

A parent may love their child and impose consequences for their behaviour

You may have an argument with someone and still be friends with them

You may be terrified of something and you may want (or need) to do it anyway

In some cases we may only even see one of the truths - certainly only give one any weight. Because I have a one-track mind, I forget that more than one thing can happen at once. I note the uppermost thought or emotion occurring in a time of distress and take that to be the truth. 

Because our brains are programmed to keep us safe they are particularly alert to danger and keen to warn us of potential threats (remember if our brain perceives a threat as real it acts as though it is, whether that makes logical sense or not), so we are likely to form speedy assessments in situations where there is any possibility of "danger" (including danger of being rejected or overwhelmed). This can give us a tendency to think in a very black and white way (particularly characteristic of autistic people anyway), to jump to conclusions and mind read what we assume others "must" be thinking. And it means that the uppermost thought or emotion tends to be the most threatening one.

If I have a disagreement with somebody, in my head I think they think I am wrong, which in the immediate instance, they probably do. The trouble is, this becomes my truth. I think that that then defines their opinion of me as a person. I forget the quite possibly simultaneously-occurring truth that they like me and/or respect my opinions.

I make a mistake and I forget that alongside "I got it wrong" can exist the truths "I meant well," "I tried my hardest," "I am loved regardless."

So I'm glad this has come up repeatedly in my conversations because it's so easy to forget, but it's one of the many wonders of DBT!

Scenarios paraphrased from: https://www.mindsoother.com/blog/how-to-think-and-act-dialectically

Further brief introduction at https://www.sheppardpratt.org/news-views/story/dbt-101-what-does-dialectical-even-mean/