A different path

A year ago I was a good way along a treacherous path, with the danger increasing daily. I was terrified on that path in that dark place but all other routes had long since vanished beyond my ever-diminishing sight. Soon the fear faded into numbness and the darkness seemed normal, the path familiar. Awareness shrank and life became a one-track survival challenge from one moment to the next. 

And in another way I was blissfully unaware of the depth of the danger I was in. I knew I didn't like it and I just wanted it to be over, but to be honest, judging by other people's accounts I still don't quite accept how bad things really got. 

A year later. So many wonderful wonderful people have given me so very much. The help I received when I continued (and continue) to make poor choices feels too much; undeserved. I am so grateful to each person for each moment of care - I can't put into words what those moments are and how precious they are and how each one becomes a stone in the new path I'm trying to build that leads out of this place.

A year later. Why do I want so badly to run right back to the darkest place? Why does the thing that brings me only danger and that wants to steal my life feel like a place of safety? Why am I constantly drawn there, wanting to visit, to stay a while, hm maybe I'd like to live here.

Everything in me compels me to be there. I need to be there. There isn't another choice - that is where I should be. Yet I have to walk away. Each step is fear and horror, where it should be hope, joy and freedom. I've had so much support, so much sense, so much time, I'm sorry I can't see what you all see, but I hope the fact that I'm still trying to walk away shows that I trust you. That each time I find myself heading back towards the darkness I ask for help, I turn around and I try again despite everything in me screaming at me that I'm destroying myself and leaving behind everything good and safe. I hope that shows the value I place in the people who help me. I'm trying to trust you that this path I'm building will be worth the pain.