Today I didn't even realise it was a Square Day. Maybe I'll call it Surprise Square Day. It's been a Square Week or two actually, but I had a quiet day yesterday and knew I had the empty house to myself all afternoon so was feeling quite round this morning.
Dragged myself out of bed (always a struggle. It's just so cosy!), even spoke to Mr Peggy before showering (never usually a good idea to speak to me before I'm properly awake!), got ready for church full of the joys of spring, or something like that.
The walk was lovely with Mr Peggy. The sun was actually shining. We chatted about this and that. Holding hands is always good: I like touch. I felt very slightly wrong inside (this is a feeling I can never explain, but was hardly noticeable this morning) but everything was good, there was nothing to worry about and I was looking forward to the day ahead.
But when we got there people started talking to me. I wanted them to go away. I was rather surprised: today is a good day. Why do I want them to go away?
Now normally all this stays inside and I do my best to pretend like a good person that I am just like everybody else, that I like talking to people and so on. But Mr Peggy is a very wonderful Mr Peggy and quite often says that he would like to understand more about how AS affects me and what it's like. Naturally, having AS, I find this quite difficult to do, though I would love him to know and understand everything, but I made the effort to share.
I said 'I don't like the people today.'
Mr P: What?
Mrs P: I don't like the people today.
Mr P: What do you mean?
Mrs P (thinking 'what is there to explain?!'): I don't like them.
Mr P: Who?
Mrs P: All the people (gesturing)
Mr P (slightly frustrated at his non-communicative wife!): I need a bit more than that...
Mrs P (finally managing to work out a little what she doesn't like about the people today): I don't want them to talk to me. I don't mind them being there but I don't want to talk to them.
It's quite entertaining reading it back, but it's the sort of frustrating scenario that AS throws at me and those close to me quite often. They are frustrated that I am seeming to be awkward by not explaining things or answering properly and I am frustrated because I can't understand what else there is to know. What they also may not realise is that although that still probably wasn't a very satisfactory answer it took a huge amount of effort and self control to be able to give it.
Not sure if it's because
- It takes me a while to figure out what I'm feeling myself.
- Even once I've figured it out I don't necessarily know how to explain it to someone else.
- I don't like explaining things when I'm feeling square. I want people to know but I hate telling them. Why can't they just be in my head?
- I don't know what they want to know - I forget they're not in my head so I don't know where to start.
Why are you asking me questions? Why do you want to know? Why don't you already know? Why do I have to tell you? I don't want to talk. Go away. (But really, I'm glad they don't go away. It's the ones that stick with it and help me make the effort that make things better for all of us. Thank you Mr Peggy :))
Sometimes I think it would help if talking didn't have to happen. When I'm feeling square it's harder to talk. I can't find a way to explain why at the moment but I'll try and think about it.
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