What a great opportunity to practise coping skills...
A surprise day. I'll refrain from my oft-used phrase of "it's all wrong" because it's not wrong that I'm at home looking after my poorly child.
But it does raise a number of issues of emotion, thought, logistics and executive function. And the "wrong" feeling autistic people get when things aren't how they're supposed to be.
The day doesn't have a plan. Well it did, but I'll get to that later. How do we pass an unexpected day? Home days don't usually start this early - we got up and ready as though it were a work day, because it was supposed to be. What do I do with the time until the day starts? And what do we do after that - we have no activities planned. What is he well enough for? Can I take him out if the Calpol perks him up eventually or is it too risky in case he's carrying scarlet fever? I have the wrong food - do I eat work food at home or do I waste the work food? I'm wearing work clothes - do I stay in them because it's Wednesday or get changed because I'm at home?
What do we do tomorrow if he's still too ill to go to childcare? I've taken a dependent care leave day today but they are very limited and only granted at the discretion of my employer - not an entitlement. How can I judge by 3pm today how he is going to be tomorrow?! Will he be well enough to stay with Daddy and how bad would I feel about Mr Peggy having to rearrange his day?
And then the emotions: frustration because I know the staffing in our class has been terrible this week so I was looking forward to going in and being a real help. Instead I'm adding to the problem (bit of guilt too, although im trying not to guilt myself). And more frustration and disappointment because I was super pleased with the fact that I hadn't needed any time off this half term. I thought I had finally made it through a complete half term but now we've fallen at the last hurdle. I'm glad it wasn't a sick day for me because at least I still haven't needed time off sick, but the pleasing completeness and sense of achievement and things being "back to normal" and feeling reliable are gone.
And then the worry for the future - what if I'm just not reliable any more? What if I need too much time off - I'm already partying with HR. What if Little Peggy is more ill another time and I should have saved the time for then?
He's finally perked up enough to leave my knee for two minutes, twice (he is back on again now), so of course I am questioning whether I really needed to stay home with him (he was up most of the night screaming for significant portions of it, has a temperature and has been in contact with scarlet fever). But that's the decision Mr Peggy and I made so really it doesn't matter whether it was right or wrong - that's just how it is now.
So now I need to work out what the day is. How do I deal with the discombobulation, the emotions and the thoughts?
Number one: I don't use any harmful coping strategies.
Number two: I take one step at a time. Right now what needs to happen?
Number three: I radically accept not having a plan. The day will depend on what the little one needs and that might change. Not having a plan is better than needing to unhave a plan! I didn't start the day with plans for home so there's nothing I need to achieve other than looking after him (and myself)
Number four: I take a compassionate approach. I listen to what I am thinking and feeling - it's ok that those thoughts and feelings are there. I go easy on myself and remind myself I don't need to "fix" all this right now. One step at a time is better. Time, space, moving away from black and whites, gently feel your way and remind yourself you will get through it and the world is not ending. Process what's happening eg by writing (this!) and think about what will genuinely be useful to you.
Number five: start thinking about options. Not a "plan" because I'll need to be flexible, but possibilities. Maybe we'll have an opportunity to do the Christmas cards together that I haven't found time for yet. Maybe I can finish parcelling up the parcels. Maybe we can still collect the marketplace presents I was going to get after school, as a "get out of the house without contaminating anyone or freezing the poorly child" option. Maybe we'll just be bundled up on the sofa with the TV on. None of these are binding but they might help me decide what to do with the time rather than getting stuck and stagnating and all feeling even worse.
Number six: what can I do for me and my body, brain and nervous system to make things better? Just because it's a difficult circumstance and I've made things more difficult for others doesnt mean it will help anybody if I feel terrible all day (in my head, it's not what's meant to happen so it's Bad, and if I try and feel less bad about it that makes me Badder, or something...). Easing the "suffering" doesn't negate the difficulty for myself or others. Right now I can't make it any better for the others but if I ease my own system I am in a better place to help when I am back, and to stop any negative spiral in myself. I will care for poorly one better if I am in a better place. So I can use my CFT resources of soothing rhythm breathing, safe place and compassionate companion. I can write to process. I can make sure we do get outside at some point, even if it's just for five minutes. I can parcel the parcels to feel I've done something. Maybe I might buy myself something - there's something I've been deliberating on for a few weeks. Or I might read a bit of a book or listen to some music. At any rate I'll look for a bit of joy.
The boy is curled up sleeping on me (probably the only way he'll rest today - hence no nook or jigsaws!). He's definitely not OK, naps at 10am are unheard of, but the day will be. The world will keep on turning and tomorrow will be a new day; we'll deal with it when it comes!
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