Having had a bit of a manic week (with another one to come), I have been forced to observe the effects of being overtired both physically and mentally on how my autism presents.
I have often noticed, and it is hardly surprising that in case, life isn't already hard enough when circumstances are difficult, our brains and bodies seem to think it's a great idea to join the party and make it even harder.
This is clearly not just an issue for autistic people as it is natural to find our coping resources depleted when we do not have time or energy to engage in those things that normally keep us well in body and mind. We all notice that it is harder to maintain an even keel emotionally, to make good decisions, to look after ourselves and others when we are tired or stretched, but I wanted to talk about the specific effects it has on my autistic traits, in case that is new or of interest for anyone.
So without further ado - differences I have noticed this week:
Sound sensitivity
Being around a lot of noisy people, or a particular sound that normally I can cope with I have found overwhelming this week. When this happens I can't see a solution/escape and feel trapped which makes me even more panicky and overwhelmed. Being aware of this helps as I can sometimes rationalise and stop to look for a solution. Otherwise, sometimes one is provided by somebody who has picked up on my situation (a lovely person did that once this week!).
Lack of social filtering
I become more abrupt and less filtered in what I say. I forget to be socially acceptable and just say things as I see them. This can result in people seeing me as rude (understandably, as I probably am being rude!), weird or snappy, which is sad for me.
Tactile sensitivity
Labels in clothes that I normally don't mind begin to bother me! I also seek more regulatory tactile sensations such as my blanket, BFRBs (body-focused repetitive behaviours) etc.
Increased intolerance for change/error
Fairly self-explanatory. Change, the unexpected and people doing things "wrong". If I can buy some extra processing time this can sometimes be managed, otherwise the upheaval of trying to readjust my brain to accommodate the anomaly can lead to overload or use of negative coping mechanisms.
Increased intolerance for failure
Any perceived error on my part can also easily become overwhelming. The thoughts can easily lead to overload or use of negative coping mechanisms, feeding into my mental health disorder and trying to bring me back into destructive cycles of thought and behaviour if I can't engage in some CFT (compassion-focused therapy) techniques or counter the thoughts with something believable but less unkind.
Decrease in emotional regulation
Again quite obvious. It's much easier for me to become dysregulated by any little thing that may happen, and harder for me to bring myself back to functionality. I'm much more likely to have shutdowns or need extra time to use soothing methods and keep myself calm.
Decrease in ability to communicate
Even if I can cognitively rationalise what is happening, I am much less able to convey that to somebody else. It's like my brain shuts down that possibility so that even if I want to, I can't just tell somebody that I am having a problem and what that problem is. It's as if that is just too much, too big or important, or it would dissolve me or something. It's rather difficult to explain, actually.
Decreased capacity for being with people
People are just too exhausting! Because of the energy it takes to be with people, to think of things to say, to make sure they're acceptable things, to try and make sure I do all the right things in a conversation (answer questions with just the right amount of details, ask questions, but not the exact same ones, use the right level of formality of language, don't do anything stupid with your body, finish the interaction correctly, etc etc etc), when I am tired or my brain is full, I just don't have the capacity for much of this.
Bad sleep
It's very rare for me to sleep badly. I am the one who will sleep through anything, always struggles to wake up in the morning, steals all the duvet and kicks/generally bashes about Mr Peggy each night! But this week I was plagued by anxiety dreams, and a strange brand of them too, not just the usual ones but ones set into a nice life-like situation from a few years ago to make it particularly hard-hitting and the effects longer-lasting into the day (my usual anxiety dreams are about waves, tides or being late for things. Oh, and sometimes teeth falling out!). I also unaccountably woke up several times during the night and one morning even woke up at 5.30 wide awake. This is unheard of in the Peggy household (for me anyway!). And of course doesn't help the cycle of exhaustion.
Processing time
When the stress and exhaustion ramp up or last longer than a few days I also see a noticeable increase in processing time and brain speed. This can range from taking a long time to find words (just everyday ones like "handle" this week!) to taking things more literally than usual or not seeing the meaning of what somebody has said to me. Often it only clicks several hours after a conversation that I completely misunderstood what somebody was getting at! When it's really bad it even affects written communication if things are not spelled out completely explicitly.
There are probably other things as well, but just some quick thoughts, and an apology to all those who have suffered from my various deficits this week! It is frustrating when these kinds of problems come into play because I am normally relatively good at presenting a rough basic level of "socially acceptable" (and when I'm not it's usually for things that are "weird" rather than negative, like carrying a blanket with me or lying on the floor rather than being rude), so people are not used to making allowances for my social communication difficulties and just see rudeness/withdrawal/strange over-reactions. Hopefully the weekend will help, and by the time next week is over I can begin to get back to normality!
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