Reclaiming Autumn

Over the years I have often written about how being outside and spending time with nature helps my mental health, reduces my stress levels and keeps me better regulated. Closely observing the changes and small wonders of autumn, winter and spring has got me through some of the most difficult times I have had.

The only trouble is, because the things I was experiencing were so intense and the solace I found outside so important, the two became thoroughly entangled. Last year autumn no longer helped me but brought memories and emotions back that were overwhelming and distressing. I avoided spending optional time out and about this spring for the same reason. I am still only posting pictures from this year even though I have more beautiful ones from before. 

As summer once again turns to autumn my mind is spending a lot of time in the past, as I've come to expect. But I think that this time the emotions are a bit less overwhelming, and although the thoughts still intrude when I may not want them I am more able to think about things rather than just feeling overwhelmed and wanting to get away. 

Sure, it's still causing problems, but I decided to take little steps to reclaiming autumn. Change comes along naturally when there's a baby in the family so it seemed a good opportunity to jump on the bandwagon and try to get back some of the benefits I lost when my source of respite got tied up with the thing I needed respite from. The longer I left it the harder it would get.

So last week I took Baby Peggy for a walk to collect some autumn for him to play with. Doing things with a purpose and for his benefit helps to motivate me and to help me focus on now rather than then. There were and are memories and emotions and thoughts drawing me to the past, but there is also joy in what is happening now, and positive anticipation for his future and autumns to come, rather than just my brain's story about what autumn should be.

Switched up the
toys on his play mat

I jazzed up his
mobile with leav

Bringing some autumn into the house where I can't avoid it helps to disentangle the associations and make new connections. I can't delete things from the story and it probably wouldn't be wise to, but I can add to it and make some choices about how the new and old plot lines interact.