When ASC becomes ASD: do I need help?

Although I technically class as having a disability, I don't tend to consider myself as disabled. Generally speaking I am well-enough adapted to function in mainstream life without my autism spectrum condition disabling me significantly. I know my strengths and weaknesses, I no longer feel that I must participate in situations I find especially difficult and I am surrounded by people (family, friends and colleagues) who understand me enough to allow me to function my best and partake in full time work, leisure activities and as much socialising as I require.

Recently it was suggested that I may find it beneficial to have some kind of advocate or support person to help me in certain situations such as medical appointments. I took this as very caring overdramatisation (definitely a word, if you were wondering), along with many of the other things that were said at that time. People who care about me and want the best for me but take things a bit too far.

As I reflected I realised a part of my mind knew they were right about many of the things, but the uppermost part - the poorly part - disagreed. They suggested a person to support me again. I considered the idea enough to mention it to family members who very sensibly didn't take one "side" or the other, and merely allowed conversation around the matter.

You see, I have autism and a mental health condition, but I am highly functioning. I am fiercely independent and a perfectionist. I have always been a high achiever; someone who doesn't need help. This now means in my head that I don't deserve help, I am not eligible for help and that I am being greedy, wasting people's time and resources and being attention-seeking if I accept (or, perish the though, ask for) help. And if I tried asking once and was rejected, then no chance! And anyway, I've had loads of help for my mental health and my workplace go above and beyond to support me and let me perform to my potential.

Until yesterday.

I've had a recent health blip related to my mental health. I asked for help just before I wasn't able to any more, and then my brain went to the place where it didn't want any help. Everybody had stepped into action but I didn't want it. They were all looking after me when I couldn't do that for myself, and I had a follow-up appointment yesterday when things had evened out somewhat health-wise.

I was on a high when I came out: the doctor was happy for me to be working because I'd told her I felt better, my tests had improved. In fact, she said that perhaps I'd had a virus the previous week accounting for my symptoms. Yippee! Back to normal just like I wanted.

But half an hour later I found myself in tears. I realised my colleagues were absolutely right. She hadn't asked any of the right questions, and because of that I hadn't given her the right information. I didn't know how to tell her, or correct her mistakes, or question her conclusions. I didn't even process that she had got it so wrong until after that. When the people that know me - Mr Peggy, work Peggies, CMHT Peggies, urgent care practitioner Peggies and even mental health charity Peggies - are all concerned, that should make me question the judgment of one GP who gives a different opinion. I let her tell me it was all fine. That's what my sick brain wanted to hear anyway - it will have a field day with that. But there's a part of me somewhere that wants to be well, and if it saw this happening to someone else it would shout, and shout loudly.

She was right in a way: I am genuinely feeling better and I am genuinely fit to be at work, but she was not right about the rest of it and I did not have the processing capacity or the communication and social skills to address that.

So I come to conclude that perhaps I am more "disabled" than I thought. Maybe I need some help.

I'm so thankful I have such wonderful Peggies looking out for me

I'm not 100% convinced so if anyone has experience of using an advocate or somebody to help them with navigating difficult situations, (eg. helping them to identify and communicate what is in their head and to work out confusing questions about recovery, work, autism and mental health) please get in touch - I'd love to hear from you about how it worked, what worked, what didn't etc etc.