The D word

Anybody who knows me knows I have a problem with making decisions. It's far more long-standing than my diagnosis of AS and has left me with many rather embarrassing memories.

It tends to go something like this:
Somebody asks a very simple question, such as "do you want to go for first dinner break or second?", or "what do you want to do?", or I have to decide what food to buy in a cafe. Basically, anything where a decision is required on the spot, I don't know the answer and somebody is waiting for it.

Now, strangely, the less I mind about the answer, the harder this sort of situation is and the more stressed and anxious I get. Inside, I start to get worried as soon as the question is put or I see it coming. I start frantically searching for the 'right answer.' Here I am considering all the possible minute implications of each possible decision (to the routine of my day, to my companion's feelings, to my finances, to what is good for my body, to whether Great Aunt Gertrude would put her pink hat on if I chose option x, and whether that would have an impact on llamas in Peru etc etc). If I find a 'right answer' (some kind of deciding factor, eg. "I really fancy that toastie", or "that's the cheapest and I'm poor at the moment", or "the other person will want the big piece of cake so I'll take the small" or "that's got the highest specifications so is the best version") then everything is fine. The choice is made and we all carry on as if nothing had happened.

But if there is no deciding factor to find a 'right answer', we run into trouble. My heart starts pounding and my breathing gets faster, I go bright red (I assume by the feeling in my face anyway!), I start to get panicky and my eyes might dart around. At this point if there's no way out of the decision my eyes are prone to leak. This is very embarrassing in public when you are a grown up! I also might start tapping my fingers together quickly, or wiggling my toes, possibly before the crying stage. I will most likely be very quiet while this is going on. If we're lucky I might manage "I don't know." I'll be feeling very scared and vulnerable. The most recent couple of times I noticed I started flapping my hands and stepping my feet quickly on the spot, or sucking a finger. One time my mouth muscles did a weird thing I couldn't even stop when I tried.

As an aside, these last few have worried me a bit as normally I don't do things outwardly that would make people think there was something wrong, so I don't really know what's going on. I could just be becoming more aware of myself, but I'm reasonably sure I didn't used to do them or people wouldn't find it surprising that I have AS! Since changing jobs I seem to have been experiencing more 'AS symptoms' so I don't know if it's related to that, but I certainly hope it goes away. Any ideas welcomed! Just had a thought: perhaps this could be because in certain situations crying is not an option, like at work, so maybe the excess is coming out in a different way. Any thoughts?

I have observed a few factors which seem to compound the situation when it happens:

• time pressure
• the person reiterating that I need to decide rather than them
• thinking someone will not be happy with me if I don't make the decision (or if I make the wrong choice)
• when I'm hungry
• when I think a particular answer is expected or desired and I don't know what it is

If you think I'm in this situation and want to help, the very best thing you can probably do is to give me a hug (but only if you know me) and ask if I want you to decide. I'll probably nod. It doesn't matter what you choose: the reason I'm like this is because I don't know what I want. If I don't want you to choose, I might just need some time and space. If you can, take me somewhere quiet where we can sit down. I'll probably start to talk to you about it after a while. 

Anyway, until a week or two ago, I thought this was just me being bad at making decisions, but then I watched a documentary that got me thinking. It was the fourth episode on David Eagleman's series 'The Brain' and was titled 'How do I decide.' It looked at how both logic and emotion are needed to work together for decision making and showed a case of a lady with a brain injury where these links had been compromised and how she now finds even the simplest decisions incapacitating and can get emotional over it. I wondered if it could be at all related to AS, thinking about how the brain works differently with emotions and things, so had a look on the internet, and it looks like I'm certainly not the only one.

More to follow on what I found!