All change!

So. Much. Change. When you have a baby!

Not surprising, yet incessantly surprising. The trouble for poor Baby Peggy is that it takes me a long time to adjust to change, so try as I might to keep up with and anticipate his ever-developing needs, he often ends up in slightly-too-small clothes for a little while until I get my head round swapping to the new size.

Put away one size of clothes, get out the next. Out of the baby bath into the big bath; get a bath mat so he doesn't repeatedly drown himself by trying to move. Out of the bedside crib into the cot. Lower the cot base because he can sit himself up (which he did at 4am!). Baby gym away to make space for crawling. Get a toothbrush and toothpaste for the teeny gnashers. Plan everything he needs for going to the childminder's. Solid food. Solid food twice a day. Solid food thrice a day (good word, thrice). Favourite toy changes every week or two - keep up if you want to keep the peace.  Move changing mat to floor to avoid wild launching of self. Acquire shoes - baby suddenly wants to stand up All The Time and it is often rainy outside.

The "routine" is constantly evolving - no sooner than I get used to the fact that the wake window is two hours than it extends by half an hour. I reckon it takes me about two weeks to adjust and it changes after three or four weeks! We settle into a pattern for about three days, and because my brain loves a pattern it is constantly searching for one, but once it's found one we change to a different one! Needing less milk because we eat more, then needing more for a growth spurt, then back to needing less again, nursing strike, ravenous after nursing strike, etc etc!

Trying to guess whether each change is permanent or temporary. So much unknown and unpredictable. It's exhausting and probably contributes to my overwhelm because the world can feel so chaotic. But I wouldn't trade it for anything, even my sanity which is a little intermittent! This little unpredictability-menace is the best thing that could have happened to me right now and I love him to pieces. Even when he's a constantly-changing contrary Mary. 

Scrumptious unpredictability-menace loves his guinea pig friends now 🥰

Where's the Feeling?

For somebody who is quite sensory-aware, naturally mindful and pays attention to what their body is telling them, I am remarkably useless when somebody asks "what did it feel like in your body?"

My new therapist ask this question a lot - it is an important part of the EMDR we will be doing - and I find it really difficult to answer! I can be bad at identifying emotions, though I am improving at times, but sometimes I'm even worse at this, which surprises me.

Is it because I don't notice it? Is it because I can't identify it? Is it because I can't remember it afterwards? Is it because I find it difficult to communicate it verbally?

During my difficult week I have been trying to pay good attention to where and how I feel different emotions and responses in my body, particularly the past couple of days since I saw her.

With some emotions it has definitely been a case of not thinking to pay attention at the time - when the old amygdala's partying I tend not to be paying attention to my precise inner sensations. At other times I have been able to notice some clues, for example my shoulders being tense and raised up, a sick feeling in my stomach (usually worry), fidgety hands or hands that want to hold something, a mouth that wants to smile.

Emotions have even been mapped in the body with thermal imaging- picture from here.

But that's pretty much all - I spent a good twenty minutes yesterday thinking "I feel calm, content, relaxed and happy, what does it feel like?" and all I could come up with was slightly smiley and it's easy to move (if that even counts!!). Does my body just not feel feelings in a very physical way or am I spectacularly bad at figuring it out?! 

Any hints or tips or do you have the same experience?

A quick Internet search for "anger in my body" or "where do I feel things in my body" bring up a variety of resources to highlight body cues for emotions - I'm going to keep paying attention and see if I can work out whether it's my awareness or my body that is making it more tricky to figure out - or maybe both. And I'll be writing it down to make sure we don't come a cropper on the "difficult to communicate it verbally" thing. Interoception differences and alexithymia are both known to correlate with autistic neurology so I probably shouldn't be surprised by this whole business!

Skillz and Tooolz

Skills I have used this week, in no particular order. Some of them are old faithfuls, some are new trials or discoveries, and some I have intentionally resurrected as the usefulness of going back to things that have helped in the past has been highlighted to me. Sadly a few are not currently available to me, like ballet, massage, and probably others. There are undoubtedly some I've missed, but a good few here to give you some ideas. If you want more information on any of them just give me a shout in the comments or by direct message.

Trying different intense "push" movements instead of destructive physical actions

Writing (CBT and blogging and general brain dumping)

Going in my nook

Old skills such as emailing updates before sessions to help me talk or make sure I stick to my plans

Talking to people and verbalising my head contents

Not giving space to thoughts/urges that are untrue and unhelpful, even if they feel like they are true and helpful

Reminding myself of why those things aren't true and reasons why I do life differently now

Allowing amygdala to party when it really needs to, but not in a destructive way

Sensory walks - touching and smelling the conifer leaves, tiptoeing along the kerb etc

Tai chi

Paying attention to what my body is telling me and how it tells me that (eg. I needed to wear my noise-cancelling headphones the whole time I was in town, not just in noisy shops. I was holding the ends of my sleeves and putting my Tangle in my mouth - seeking tactile and proprioceptive input. My stomach had a sicky feeling of anxiety. I wanted my hood up at the beginning of my sensory walk - wanting to be enclosed and reduce sensory input. My shoulders were up high and tense.)

Achieving small tasks such as cooking a meal, booking an appointment or sweeping the kitchen floor

Stretching/moving my body

Sleeping

Noticing how many things I have actually coped with and why things are difficult right now

Putting on upbeat music

Soothing rhythm breathing

Safe/calm/happy place visualisation (! Bet you never thought you'd hear me say that!) and tapping

Playing games on my phone

Jigsaw puzzle

Colouring

Reading

Playing mindfully with Baby Peggy's toys (and Baby Peggy of course!)

Cuddles with Baby Peggy

Message a friend

Fidget tools eg. Tangle

Amygdala Party!

I need to write but I don't know what I want to write. It's been a rocky week. The old amygdala's been partying hard, as they say. In fact, we've decided to call meltdowns, shutdowns and panic attacks amygdala parties in the Peggy household. Sounds way more fun, don't you think? 

There has been so much party time that it's beginning to feel like going back a couple of years to when I was pretty much constantly in overwhelm, bouncing from one threat response to another without time to return to base levels in between. I'm having to focus most of my attention on trying to stay regulated.

It's scary because I remember that as a very nasty place that I don't want to spend any more time in. I was trying to cope in positive ways but regularly resorting to various harmful behaviours because my other strategies didn't give me enough relief or quickly enough.

Things have changed since then. Throughout the past week I would have had probably at least one amygdala party a day, and several on some days, but there have only been a couple altogether. A few close calls as well, but I have noticed several times "I coped with that - that would have had me in meltdown in the past." I am better at using more skills more often and for longer - coping with more things before becoming overwhelmed.

Picture from https://iveronicawalsh.wordpress.com/2014/04/11/a-cbt-look-at-fight-or-flight-when-the-tail-wags-the-dog/

But the moments are coming thick and fast, and the number of times where the threat system completely takes over is much higher than it has been for a long time, and it is active large portions of the time. It scares me because I know really that I don't want to rely on old habits again, no matter how much it feels like they would help or that I should go back to them (and I am pleased to say that I have just about managed so far). It feels like things are going backwards. And then I'm supposed to be starting therapy - what if that makes it worse, or what if I can't because I'm too unsettled? I'm going back to work - I don't want to be back to "wobbles at work," that is too close to how things used to be. But I might be more stressed while I make the adjustment to that big change too.

But perhaps this is just a rough patch - being here is right now but that doesn't mean it's forever. I am better at using skills. I am better at communicating. I am better at recognising when I need to step back and reassess. I may feel the same but I haven't yet resorted to the same behaviours during this difficult week. It feels worse than it is because in addition to the stress/distress I have the fear from the memory of how awful that time was.

Take a nice picture of a budderfly
instead of doing something destructive

I will always have overwhelm and threat responses to deal with; though some will hopefully reduce over time some are due to the way my brain functions not being quite compatible with the way our world is set up. There will be times in life where there is more upheaval or more upset for one reason or another. Those times don't have to put me in the same place. It can seem almost impossible or even wrong to go a different way. Hopefully I will get used to it and it will become easier.

Picture from https://m.facebook.com/brainandbehaviorclinic/photos/a.2406050409623312/2406674099560943/?type=3

ETA: Baby Peggy has obligingly had a mahoosive nap two days in a row and slept better the night in between, so my brain has had some good down time. I've been working hard at tending to it so am feeling a lot better and more positive. Still fragile, but more restored and more certain that this is temporary and manageable. I remind myself that if I become overwhelmed again it isn't because my coping strategies didn't work, it's because I need to use them again.

Kind Musings

Tears on my face, cold air playing with my hair, bright sun through the new leaves and my fingers on the solid truth of the tree bark, I embrace the sadness and overwhelm. I've done this a hundred times before. I will survive it again.

It comes gently when I invite it. Painfully but gently, not like the destructive distress of pushed-away pain. It hurts, this caring, and I fear it taking over - that's why I usually run from it - but it heals too, if I allow it.

Held by the deep strength of nature, I am always cared for.

It makes me vulnerable - now and probably for the next few days - I don't know how many times I can do it but maybe I don't need to worry about that. Worry about right now, and right now I have survived it.

I try not to push it away before it's finished, and to let it come and go as I follow where my attention leads through the walk with its plants, sculptures and creatures.

It has taken four sessions with three separate people to finally bring me here today - all of whom have highlighted the same theme in their own way - and it reminds me of the many others who would be proud of me today. That hurts too, but it makes me happy in a sad kind of way. I know I'm on the right track and that makes all their time, effort and care worthwhile, which is the best I can do to honour what they have given me.

I love the oak sculpture (by Tom Handley) which reads "memory that grows into a shape the tree always knew as a seed" - see below for credit and a link to Gareth Evans' poem Hold Everything Dear

I have taken a picture
almost identical to
this before

For me, nearly everything still relates back to then. A squirrel scurrying past, the smell of the earth under a group of fir trees, the texture of a wetroom floor under my bare feet, the word "agenda," I could go on and on. Everything is linked with a memory. It may be two years on, but the whole foundation of my life now is built on that time, because now I am living in recovery. Perhaps it is not disproportionate because that was when I learned a new way to live. Much as your childhood informs a huge part of who you become, that period of my life forms a huge part of who I now am. Maybe that's OK for now, if I can learn to live alongside it.

Credits

For a written or audio version of the full poem see links below:

https://yellowmaus.wordpress.com/2017/01/07/hold-everything-dear-by-gareth-evans/

https://soundcloud.com/user-115260978/374-hold-everything-dear-for-john-berger-by-gareth-evans

How To Tell When You're Overwhelmed (or at least, when I am...)

I was so overwhelmed that it took me half an hour to work out that that was why I didn't feel quite as all right as I had been doing.

Clues that I will use for reference in future:

• Thinking a million things at once, yet completely unable to answer even fairly simple questions or focus on one specific thought or problem
• Or it feeling like the Brian is completely empty
• Not able to work out how you feel: "I thought I was OK but now I feel like I might not be" but unable to elaborate. Eventually after rambling aloud intermittently for a while I concluded "Maybe the feeling is anxiety. Or maybe it's not, but I think it could be."
• A sense of impending Bad Things (eg. meltdowns/shutdowns/increased urges and likelihood of acting on them)
• I took off my hoody after realising it was very hot in the room, and shortly afterwards noticed I was really quite visually overwhelmed by my stripy T-shirt!
• After about half an hour I realised my body wanted to cry

Other clues I have noticed in the past include becoming irritable, becoming increasingly stressed by mess in the house, feeling more sensitive to noise, struggling to make decisions, finding change even more difficult than usual, wanting things "just so," not being able to let inaccuracies go (and not in a humorous way like usual), pacing or fiddling more than usual. The list could probably be infinite!

How do you notice signs of overwhelm?

Interestingly, I noticed that after I had the thought "my body wants to cry," my hands became still and my gaze focused on the shape of my Tangle. My thoughts stopped racing although I still found it hard to think. It was almost as though through my continued rambling I had reached the thing which was salient at that time and my mind and body came to rest, dwelling on that realisation.

Now crying is not something I enjoy, and the second half hour was spent whinging about how I didn't want to cry, along with a lot of sense from the person who is paid to talk sense to me. What might happen if I did or didn't cry, etc. etc..

In the end, once outside my body took me for a wander and I let it do its thing (for once I had no other considerations as Baby Peggy had another hour left with his Peggy-sitter). And now this afternoon I feel much better. The sense of impending Bad Things has gone, and so has the ?anxiety. I still feel exhausted but that's not surprising as I have had a busy and fairly stressful few days even though many of the things were positive and enjoyable (hence not realising that I was overwhelmed, though you'd think I'd know by now). And I've been awake since 6am of course! Time to try and go a bit gently and remind myself to watch the old occupational balance a bit. A new routine in two weeks will help, if I can construct it with the right balance.