Proud

There are many things I'm not proud of about myself; I'm great at feeling shame both in its place and when it's not appropriate. That does not exclude acknowledging the bits I'm happy about, though it's only sometimes I can do that.

Proud is something I don't want to be (connotations of boastfulness, egocentricity and rudeness?), and perhaps what I really mean is that I'm pleased about these things, and glad and grateful that they are so. But I think that proud is the word that is often used to convey those sentiments, and it acknowledges the work that I put in to make these things happen, so I'm going to stick with it for now. 

I am proud of myself for often asking for help when I need it.

I am proud of myself for managing many situations on my own (not because I feel that I must or should cope alone, but because in many situations I can).

I am proud of myself for learning the difference between those.

I am proud of myself for not obeying my head every time it tells me lies.

I am proud of myself for letting others help from mundane everyday things like "Mr Peggy please can you get me x from the supermarket on your way home" to calling or emailing for help when I can't fight my brain on my own.

I am proud of myself for letting my body grow a human.

I am proud of myself for starting to believe that it's OK to live softly, to allow more than the bare minimum I "should" have, and to live a life I enjoy.

I am proud of myself for talking about difficult things.

I am proud of myself for (mostly) looking after Baby Peggy well.

I am proud of myself for starting to vocalise my needs and wishes.

I am proud of myself for trying new things.

I am proud of myself for letting old things go.

I am proud of myself for keeping on keeping on with the things that serve me well.

I am proud of myself for learning from my experiences.

I am proud of myself for taking on challenges (ones that I want and are achievable).

I am proud of myself for making progress, even though my brain often tells me it's the wrong direction or that I shouldn't want most of these things.

I'm proud of myself for
resurrecting traditions I used
to enjoy

I'm proud of myself for using
coping skills

I am proud of myself for allowing myself to be proud. Meta.

Happy

I am happier than I have ever been.

Please don't misunderstand me. I am frequently exhausted, often irritable or grumpy, regularly overwhelmed and plenty of times just going through the motions. Our life is most definitely not Instagram-perfect even though I post some lovely stuff on social media (I don't even have Instagram - or TikTok or WhatsApp or whatever it is that the kool kidz have these days. I was firmly Generation Facebook and there I remain despite its problems, because one kind of social media is enough for me, that's what I'm used to and that's where my friends are. But anyway, I digress.).

But the fact remains that I am happier than ever. I feel as though I understand what "happy" is now. The deep joy that floods me so many times a day is inexpressible. I am constantly marvelling at this miracle of a tiny (or not so tiny...) being that grew in my tummy from almost nothing. My insides want to explode when he smiles and giggles or sucks his little fisty and snuggles his blanket, because I don't have words for how wonderful and amazing it is.

Five months in and the novelty hasn't worn off yet ;) 

I am beyond grateful for everything we have been given.

Relationship is Key to Communication

Checking for something on my GP record I came across the report from my recent psychiatrist review. I'm not normally under a psychiatrist but everyone under mental health services is offered a psychiatrist review after having a baby. This means the psychiatrist and I hadn't met before and didn't know each other other than them having read a brief summary of my medical notes.

At the time I was aware there had been some gaps in our communication but over all I had a neutral feeling about the experience - it happened and it wasn't particularly significant. 

When I read the report I realised the size of the discrepancy between what was received and my experience.

The more I think about it the more I realise how much less than optimal that appointment was. It wasn't anybody's fault, but it made what could have been a useful checkpoint into a box-ticking exercise.

I am aware that I wasn't doing my best communication on the day. My brain function was a bit compromised and my emotions were offline so I didn't even think of some of the things I could have expressed (like how the matter of what therapy I may or may not be getting has been going on for about a year and is driving me mad). 

Some things I might have wanted to say two weeks previously didn't seem important because they had faded as my priorities changed and my perspective skewed. Other things I tried to communicate but obviously didn't quite succeed at.

If I lived a few miles up the road I would have known the psychiatrist. I have practised communicating with that one. I have developed ways to tell her the most difficult of things and get round the troublesome bits of my brain. She is familiar with my idiosyncratic style of communication. And there's simply the fact that she knows me and would have been able to tell just by how I was presenting that I wasn't doing great.

I know that my situation is perhaps unusual in that I don't know my local psychiatrist and I do know the next-door one, but the point I'm getting at is the importance of relationship in communication. Especially for people whose communication is not "typical" or who appear to communicate fine but actually might not.

It wasn't anybody's fault - I could have communicated better but wasn't really in a state to do so, and the psychiatrist could have helped me more but she didn't know me so she didn't know there was anything to help with or how to help. 

But reading the report showed me that even what I thought I was communicating or tried to communicate hadn't reached its target effectively and that the gap between us was bigger than I had thought. Even things I had corrected on were still written wrongly. The group I mentioned in my previous post had a session on effective communication last week and one of the features highlighted was relationship. I've noticed it before in my post about continuity of care and here it pops up again. I think the frequency with which it appears means it's important. Not always possible, but important.