Working from Home

I have never worked from home before. My job is not one you can do from home: it involves being with people in person. You cannot provide personal care for somebody who is 15 miles away. Video interaction is not accessible to the people I work with (and it is difficult for me!). Pretty much zero of my daily work activities can be undertaken remotely. 

And yet I find myself embarking on twelve weeks of working from home. Because of the government's pandemic guidance and my employer's duty of care to me I am no longer allowed to attend work in person other than to collect and drop off work. My duties completely change overnight. My work environment changes. My daily routine and weekly routine change. The amount of interaction I have with adults changes. 

Working three days a week was the perfect balance of people and isolation, productivity and relaxation, structure and freedom. I had learnt to manage my energy balance and mental wellbeing well enough to stay well and function in a way I am satisfied with more of the time than not (and using the support I have available), and to enjoy my life, on the whole. 

And now everything changes. Again. I know everything changes when baby comes anyway, but that is different: I am busy, I have a focus, things will naturally change and find their own rhythm, and I have had nine months to prepare for it. 

This change is not optional. I was in denial about it for a long time after the possibility was introduced to me, and naively thought I might be able to fight it, but it turned out to be one of those "choices" a bit like the "if I don't make this 'choice' they're going to section me" ones. So I didn't pick it, I am not enormously prepared for it, it is a big unknown, and despite the fact that I will still be working it involves a lot of time at home, which is well documented as being a stumbling block for my mental health. 

On an autistic level the change to routine and to nature of my work is problematic. I like my life to be in boxes, and different ways of spending my time are contextualised by environment so to have work and home in the same place without a transition time is difficult. Work is a large part of the rhythm of my week and helps me mark the passage of time. There will be more time in my day to fill as I won't be travelling. I struggle to transition between activities when I'm at home (autistic inertia) so I can get stuck doing one thing which turns out not to always be great for my body or mind. 

On a general human being level the change to interaction levels is problematic. I need people and I need not people. At the moment that balance works pretty well. My need for people is fulfilled by work and Mr Peggy and the odd one-to-one socialisation but I will lose out on the best kind of interaction for me: where I am parallel with others: engaged in the same task and just interacting between ourselves as and when we choose.

On a more personal mental health level the associations of not being at work are problematic.

Almost exactly this time last year I came back to live at home and due to covid thwarting my original plan to return to work before coming home, I had a month not working before I began a very phased return. The time of year is already difficult with memories (see my previous post), and being at home feels like a replication of that time. Driving home after my last day of school brought memories of the drive home from hospital, and of previous ends of year that were full of sadness and anxiety. 

I also worry that the combination of being of work, not feeling great and waiting for a change to come will take me back to September 2019 when I was home from work unwell. I wouldn't have thought of this except that my first trimester felt very much like that indeed, and I was still working then. I struggled immensely with those mental effects of the first 13 weeks of pregnancy (although it took me a while to pinpoint exactly what it was!) so it does now occur to me that I am again entering a similar situation.

I am trying hard to focus on the positives of being at home. I can be flexible with my time and arrange my support throughout the week to help me cope. I can conserve my energy for things that I want to do - as the exhaustion of being in the third trimester increases I won't have to save all my energy for the physical demands of my job and I will likely be able to work for longer. As lockdown eases I will be able to get out and about more, to meet with friends, to join my in person yoga classes and gain interaction in those ways (although this also brings some unease because it doesn't feel right to be out enjoying myself in person when I'm not allowed to work in person). I will have more time and energy for preparing for baby as my travel times will be gained back. I have a great support network who will do everything they can to help me cope with this time and maximise its benefits.

Let's see what happens.

Still Remembering

I need to write something, but I don't know what.

I feel funny at the moment. I think I feel sad. As well as overwhelmed and excited and discombobulated by all the change in life right now, of course.

I have spoken before about memories and how reminders of situations and events from the last couple of years can cause me difficulty. While I was in hospital and for about the first six months afterwards these memories would often come suddenly and bring incredibly intense emotions that I found difficult to cope with and that lingered with me throughout the day. 

Over the last six months I have felt they have relented a little in their frequency and intensity. I am less often triggered beyond my ability to concentrate on the present moment. The intense effects of a memory last less long. I can talk about some things that I couldn't talk about before without becoming completely overwhelmed. 

And yet. 

They haunt me still. The barely-staved-off panic attacks when I have to go to the general hospital. The lingering emotion all day reminding me of the dream I had last night. It's an emotion I still can't place a year on, and the dream hangover ignites further thoughts and memories to make it worse. The same emotion hits me like a wall when things are too similar to previous days, trapping me in my house because I'm too scared of the feelings I'll have if I go outside in the spring sunshine. The colder dull weather this week has been a relief. My camera reel was full of spring photos and blooming life last year but this year there are three. 

The tears I push away and avoid spring up on me less often, but they are all the more vicious because I've hidden from them.

It doesn't go away, and it doesn't become less confusing. There are times when the triggers are further apart, or avoidable or I can box things up and squash them away while I do what I need to do. But this stuff seems to be with me to stay and I don't even know what it is. I think if I'm going to have any luck in managing it I need to understand it, and I need some help with that because I clearly haven't got far on my own in a year! I need someone to help me unpack the boxes, look at the confusing things and work out what to do with them. And maybe I'm ready for that now, which I wasn't a year ago.

Email Subscriptions

Just to let you know, the email subscription service will no longer be supported as of July 2021, so you currently cannot sign up to receive emails when I make a new post.

I have downloaded a list of current subscribers and am looking for an alternative way to provide this feature so I can add you again whenever possible (obviously you would be free to unsubscribe at any time).

Currently no luck so if any tech-savvy people have any clues please get in touch! At the moment the only way I can see would be to move my whole blog to another platform which would be far too enormous an undertaking with years of archives!!